Some moments stand out more than others in my trip down memory lane as my mind races across that span of time I lovingly call my "time warp". It was aptly named because how I always feel a void whenever I come in contact with something from that two year period. To this day, I still hear a song every and then and feel as if it may be some new song instead of one that was popular during my Kinsman Hall years. Sometimes I can’t place a reference to a movie or a television show that was popular then. I even draw a blank over historical events that happened during that time period.
The following interviews are from random people who resided at Kinsman Hall. Perhaps, having other people describe their experiences might help show how different, yet similar we all were and how our separate paths led us to the same place where we experienced Kinsman Hall firsthand together in a house divided.
Resident Interviews
1.What were the circumstances surrounding your placement into Kinsman Hall?
Interview 1: I dropped out of school, was taking too many ups and downs at one time, last day home, put my fists through all of my folks upstairs windows, they were not home, my friend Nikki was there with me, we were both high, I asked her for more seconals, she said I had enough, I went crazy, she called my friend Margie who called Lou Flago, the Plainview Drug counselor, who came over, got a hold of Kinsman Hall, talked my folks into letting me go, he and Margie packed my bags and off I went, I was high when I left my house for Kinsman Hall, really didn't know what I was getting myself into.
Interview 2: I was arrested for B&E in the nighttime of a local drug store. 1 block from the police dept. They didn't like that. I didn't do any damage, we just had fun with the cocaine and opium, they got everything else back before we could get to any of it. So I was facing Juvenile Detention, which is no picnic. Kinsman Hall was called into court to represent me and the judge said OK.
Interview 3: When I was 17, I had been arrested twice for drug possession. I was also a chronic runaway. When I appeared in court I was declared a "Wayward Minor" and sentenced to the Ohio Youth Commission until my 18th birthday. The court was trying different things at the time and rather than keep me in the reformatory they sent me and a few other drug dependent youths to rehabs around the country. I ended up at Kinsman Hall in Maine.
Interview 4: As with many people, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My parents were more interested in what I could do for them instead of what I could do in school. It seemed I was destined to be a dirtbag. Even my high school counselor told me NOT to think about going to college. He told me I should find a trade school.
I dropped out of school in the 10th grade. I ended up hanging with the wrong people. I found myself doing drugs such as weed and acid. I was having run-ins with the police. Back in the 60's the courts acted quicker to send you to jail. The second time I was arrested was for fighting and the courts were going to lock me up. So, I ran away with my buddy to New Orleans.
I lived on the streets in New Orleans for about 3 months when I realized my buddy was not the best person for me to be with. He had ripped off some drug dealers and they were looking for the both of us. I fled New Orleans and went to live with my grandparents in Florida. I lived with them for a few months and then went home to Cleveland. I lived on the streets and with friends for a few months. The friend I was living with was unstable. He and I got into an argument one day and he shot at me with his shotgun, just missing me. This was my rock bottom.
I decided that I should turn myself in and I did. While I was in jail awaiting trial, I viewed a presentation on Teen Challenge, a drug re-hab for juveniles where you were sent away for 6 months. The courts were going to lock me up for 6 months anyway, so I told the courts I had a drug problem and wanted help. I figured it would be better then jail. Instead the courts decided to send me to Kinsman Hall. Two years, one week and six days later, I was released from Kinsman Hall. So much for a quick fix! I was 16 years old went I arrived at Kinsman Hall.
Interview 5: I was born into an academic family, first son of a college professor who, in my 16th year, would elect to split up our family so that he could be with a female student.
The path of my life’s spiral accelerated downward about 3years earlier however, when he accepted a job to teach at a university in Ohio. … and since house rentals were cheaper outside the city, our family (including younger brother and sister)- ended up living in a rural coal town about 20 miles from civilization. My new friends here would be largely ignorant future miners, who were in a hurry to grow up in all the wrong ways. I began
drinking and smoking cigarettes with them almost as soon as I arrived, and for some time my parents were too preoccupied to even notice. Finally, they did, but by that time, I had already gained experience seeking out the lowest common denominator in others.
Meanwhile, my relationship with my father became more and more conflicted. His demands that I get A’s in school while I was barely getting C’s, seemed nonsensical. It wasn’t that I was dumb, but simply that I found little reason in my current environment to do much of anything that wasn’t self destructive. Nothing I ever did was greeted by my father with anything other than derision.
Then in my 15th year we moved again. This time Dad accepted a job at a university in upstate New York. I didn’t know it at the time, but a major reason why we moved every 2 or 3 years was that my father was severely challenged to get along with anybody. This time again we rented a house in a rural town about 20 miles from the city to save on rent and my new school chums weren’t much different than those I’d left behind in Ohio. But now, I was older and more practiced at rebellion and trying to be dumb. At this new school, where I would remain until my 16th birthday when I unceremoniously quit, I would intentionally flunk the 9th grade and score a 0 on an IQ test.
Conflict with Dad escalated and on two occasions during my 15th year, he kicked me out of the house for periods of a week or more. It was during one of these periods I hooked up with a girl who was also a runaway. We were hitchhiking one rainy day when we got picked up by the police because her parents had called in about her. After checking my story, the police drove me home too, or to the house where my family lived. It was about 5pm, but nobody was home. That was strange! Soon my mother arrived, alone with a sad story to tell. She and my father were separating and she and my sister would soon be moving out. I was certain it was my fault.
Fallout from the hitchhiking incident would soon revisit me however. Apparently, I’d been ticketed for the offense, and my father, while seeking advice from the village judge about what he might do with me was told about Kinsman Hall.
Interview 6: I got arrested with ten kilos at my high school. We were cutting it up in the a.v. office. I was just into the Dead, Fillmore East and hippiedom, but I was more stoned than my counterparts. I was pretty sheltered at that time.
2.What were your first impressions of Kinsman Hall?
Interview 1: I wanted to go home, seeing all those shaved heads, stocking caps and signs, I thought I was in a nut house and did not belong there.
Interview 2: You mean besides, "What a nut house?"
Interview 3: Upon arriving at the Hall, I immediately had my head shaved (no one in the 60's shaved their heads) and was made to sit in a chair facing the wall for hours. Later that day, I was taken to the basement and screamed at by 6 or 8 residents until I finally cried out for help. I was then welcomed into the house, given a job and screamed at some more for not doing things "properly". Did I mention the snow and cold? My first impression? Too many rules, too much work and way too much screaming. And cold!
Interview 4: When I arrived (Hillsdale) I said to myself, “Oh my god, what have I done!”. But after about two weeks, I realized that KH would be good for me. I had made my escape plans prior to being sent to KH. I knew that KH was having the open house nights to hear our stories. I had made arrangements for my cousin to drive up there for one of the meetings and take me with him.
When I saw that KH could help screw my head on straight, I went to the staff and told them of my plans. I advised them to contact my cousin and advise him that I had decided to stay for the duration.
I adjusted quickly into the routine. I still remember being sent to the barn during a snow storm by an expeditor to get the sky hook. It only took me a half hour to figure out there is no such thing as a sky hook.
Interview 5: Easter Sunday 1971; 16 year, 4 months- An afternoon ride in the country with both my parents. This was new! My mother no longer lived in our family’s house, but she came along for the event. My younger brother and sister had not even been invited! My parents had told me there was something they wanted to show me. OK, what could that be?”
We rode for an hour or so, during which time they described an alternative to my living at home that we would look at today.
“But”, they added quickly, “if I didn’t like it, I could go home”. “That’s for sure”, I said to myself in a bid to reassure myself that I still had control.
But the truth was I wasn’t coming home. Unbeknownst to me, my belongings had been packed and quietly placed in the trunk. We arrived finally at a country estate-type setting where I soon discovered very strange-looking teens and 20-somethings walking around with shaved heads and awkward-looking cardboard signs around their necks. They all looked so very obedient and controlled. I had an impulse to get back into the car and get the hell out of this alien place, but before I could formulate a plan, my parents were escorted in one direction, and I in another. I wouldn’t see them again for quite some time. The smoothness of my introduction and the seeming friendliness of my escort was disarming, making my planned resistance difficult to carry out. I wasn’t sure against whom to resist! My escort was a guy about my age who himself was a resident. In fact, later that day after my parents had left, and I was feeling the deeper impact of what felt like their abandonment of me, this boy would become my ‘big brother’. But in that moment, I felt caught between needing to be cool and somehow giving voice to the terror and the rage I was currently feeling toward this place and my parents whose assurance that I could come home had obviously been a lie.
Interview 6: Well I was a shy teenager virgin in Hillsdale there were a lot of hard core dope fiends from Synanon program etc. So I was pretty intimidated. I wasn't using heroin yet. Mike Mora eventually turned me on. One time it was me, Mike, Paul, and Paul's wife, Deans daughter, you know who I mean in a place up in Harlem shooting up. It was a burning memory of Paul (was running it at one time) shooting up Dean’s daughter while she was pregnant. Wow! We were really sick that image was devastating until I realized how this thing called addiction can twist you and take you places that were unthinkable.
3.What was the most serious rule you ever broke while being a resident? Did you get caught and if so, what was your punishment?
Interview 1: I ran away with Sharon, got a GM, stocking cap, 18 hour kitchen duty.
Interview 2: The most serious rule? I didn't break any! I played the house like a pro, did everything right and skated on through. It didn't help a lot of people, but I was only in it for myself. Especially, after coming out of Juvenile Detention. I didn't trust anybody.
Interview 3: One night after being at the Hall about a year, I jumped off a second floor balcony into a snow drift, Ran a mile and a half to the road and hitched a ride south. I was going to Boston. About 45 miles later the man who picked me up turned east and dropped me off at a payphone (remember those?) in the middle of nowhere. It was below 0 and rather than freeze to death I decide to call the Hall and ask them to come pick me up and to please hurry. They didn't even know I was gone. Another shaved head more time on the chair and a GM for splitting and for stealing. (A puppy followed me down the road and rather than leave him to die in the cold when I caught a ride I put him under my coat and took him with me.) They called it stealing. I received a 20-hour work contract, that I got out of in a couple of days because they gave the whole house amnesty. I also, sniffed glue in the shop a couple of times and never got caught.
Interview 4: I actually didn't break too many rules and no serious rules. The most serious rule I broke was sending a letter to an old girlfriend while on my first off campus visit with my parents. I had come back from a doctor's appointment and everyone was gathered in the dining room (Jackman) and sitting quietly. It was a strange feeling walking into that. It was a guilt session and I confessed about the letter. I think I got a shaved head or 16 hr work contract.
I didn't get too many shaved heads and did receive one simply because I hadn't had one in a while and my hair was getting too long. The only time I was on a 20 hr contract was when I wanted to leave. I was falsely accused of something and unable to prove my innocence. I refused the punishment and elected to leave. I lasted about a week on the chair and gave up. I was later vindicated when the guilty party confessed to the violation. I don't remember what the violation was, but it wasn't serious.
Interview 5: For the first couple of weeks since becoming a resident at Kinsman Hall, I lived in a continued state of overwhelm toward the circumstances by which I was deposited here. From my tortured perspective, I’d been betrayed by my parents, abandoned to endure a daily regimen here that made little sense to me: frenetic bouts of cleaning punctuated by frequent verbal criticisms that seemed trivial. I was lonely, and unwilling to find any rationale by which proceedings here might make sense. Fitting in would be giving in… to them! I held my resistance close to my heart. It was all I had to keep me sane through this highly structured madness. So one beautiful spring morning, I was scheduled to get up an hour early along with four or five others to help prepare breakfast for the House.
At the Hillsdale facility where I resided at the time, the dorms were at the back, and in my walk from there to the House for my kitchen duties, I could actually see the main road. Oh my God, what a moment! This was probably the first time since I’d been here that I was actually alone. I felt powerless to resist the urge to …bolt! Route 23 was so close!! I started to run… I got to the edge of the property and rolled down the slight grassy hill to the road. I was breathing hard, more from the exhilaration of the moment than from any real fatigue. I waited for the car that would be my ticket out of this nightmare. “Come, on, come on…” I glanced again and again back to that rear kitchen door. “Had anybody seen me?”
Then, two cars rounded the bend in the road and were headed my direction. Ok, here it comes! I had always considered myself an accomplished hitchhiker and knew full well that ride-success depended on my ability to appear cheerful and non-threatening. … I would not have the luxury to stand here long. My absence would be noticed pretty quickly. The first car passed, but the second car stopped, and as I ran toward it to negotiate my ride to freedom, I silently thanked the powers that be for their recognition of justice. When the driver informed me he was going to Hudson, I was overjoyed! This was a town I knew in my “former” life. Hudson was a stone’s throw from home. “My God, escape was easier than I could ever have dreamed! I didn’t say much for most of the 30-minute ride. I had a lot of planning to do. First, I wanted to go to my former school and see my friends. This would be fun! But once I had told them my heroic story, I had to find a way to sell my return home to my parents. That might be difficult, but my desperation provided me false certainty I could pull it off.
Much of the next 12 hours was a blur, but by 5pm of the same day, I was in the family car with my father driving back to Kinsman Hall. I had lost my bid. I was tired of fighting. I had no place to go. I felt forlorn and utterly alone now, yet my father held my hand on the way back. He hadn’t done that in a long time.
Greetings from Kinsman Hall residents upon my return was less than welcoming. Nobody talked to me directly, but those who noticed me seemed annoyed. My penance began on a hard wooden chair in the expeditor’s office facing the corner “to think about what I’d done” under the watchful eye of the chief expeditor, Bob. I lived in that corner for 48 hours, including the four hours each night I was allowed to sleep on the floor underneath. I was never alone.
In the 47th hour, I was escorted to a nearby bathroom where my head was shaved with shaving cream, warm water, and a Gillette. The next stop was a large room where I would be the guest at a general meeting scheduled on my behalf. My heart started to pound as dozens of people filed into the room and sat on chairs around me. I didn’t recognize most of them, but I did see Brett, my big brother. Even he wouldn’t look directly at me. Nobody was smiling, and the annoyance I felt from them earlier that day on the chair seemed higher now.
Once everybody was confirmed present by headcount, it was my turn to explain to the room what I had done. I was about 40 words into a rather rambling story when one by one and then in groups, they stood and started screaming at me: a sea of angry faces. They told me how selfish I was, and how I’d abused the trust of those who cared about me. Brett got up and talked about how I’d manipulated his friendship; then another boy, Billy whom I recognized from before I split stood before me. I remembered that I had liked Billy’s style. He seemed confident and self-assured, brimming with energy, all the things I was pretty sure I wasn’t. He screamed about how he had cared about me and I’d hurt him. Then something odd began to happen. They were getting to me. My face began to feel hot and I started to cry, actually sob. It felt good, like rain washing a grimy window …certainly not part of my daily routine. Then they told me to beg forgiveness and to ask for the privilege of returning to the House. The strange sensations coursing through me grew. I screamed my request for forgiveness, again, and again… louder than I’d have thought possible, and then all of them came up and hugged me. I melted. I cried in their arms. Brett was there and Billy too, and others. They were all smiling now. I was back.
The final part of my penance was a 30 day, 16 hour a day work contract- a lot of washing dishes, and cleaning. It turned out Billy was on contract too. He was the most amazing dishwasher I’d ever seen! When he was in the dishpan, the whole process would literally became fun! For the first time in years, I felt that I had a home. Then, one evening, two weeks later, I was called out of the kitchen to speak to the man who seemed to be the head honcho, Paul. He informed me that my work contract would end early. I had been assigned to a group that was going to Maine. The next morning, I departed Hillsdale with a group of 10 others in a convoy of cars headed to our collective future in Jackman.
Interview 6: Well I guess all except real sex I was still a virgin when we got out. My first relationship was with a girl from there But she turned out to be gay. believe it or not it wasn't until I got some heroin in my blood till I had any game with women . I was really shy.
4.Were you ever put on a ban with anyone and if so, why?
Interview 1: I was put on a ban with Tommy, he was my friend from home. When he arrived we were put on a 30 day existance ban. I was also put on a ban with Tom H because they thought he was a bad influence on me and with Susan after we locked ourselves in a room and she had a big kitchen knife.
Interview 2: No.
Interview 3: Never on a ban. I was never that close to anybody.
Interview 4: I was never put on a ban with anyone.
Interview 5: Entrenched habits of my personality rendered me susceptible to the dangers of magical thinking. In other words, I tended to fantasize about the way I wanted things to be and then believed my own fantasies. A year into my stay at Kinsman Hall, residents and staff were one evening assembled in a large room under the house which we called the Redroom. We were celebrating somebody’s birthday with cake and music and some dancing. Louie glided across the floor to strains of Grateful Dead “Truckin”. I glanced at the various goings-on, and as my eye surveyed the room,
Then in an instant, my world changed. I saw a girl, or a maybe a princess. I’d never seen her before. She was talking to another girl I knew, Karen. I watched her mouth move and her hands gesture as she talked. She seemed passionately involved in some matter. I was overcome with longing as I looked at her. She seemed to be the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. In my imagination, I could see her airbrushed in a wedding gown by my side. Over the next year or so, every Elton John or Seals and Croft song I heard was an ode to Pat. I was consumed by a black hole of an infatuation as strong as any ‘jones’ ever felt. When staff found out about it however, they put us on a ban because they said it was a distraction from my purpose being here.
A ban meant we were prohibited from any communication. I guess they were right, but I was beside myself. I can remember lying awake in my bunk at night punching the bottom of the bunk above me till my knuckles bled. It would be many years before I would finally understand that what I was feeling toward Patty actually had very little to do with her.
Interview 6: Well I used to escape allot. so the last time was my contract was:
Total talking ban from the whole house Wear a dress
shave half my head
no smoking
must eat outside with a plate but no fork and knife
my work was to set up a ironing board in the lobby and shine everyone's
shoes and iron there cloths
the contract was twenty hours per day 20 hours work 4 hours sleep .
In Hillsdale they had a porch outside that is where I had to sleep. I had some sort of sign but forgot what it said. It was for 60 days I made it 40 before I tweaked than they sent me to Maine. The part that got to me was the ban on talking everyone just ignored me I was really feeling lonely thought everyone hated me. I escaped one more time from Maine . At the time I was in charge of the farm. I told Dean and those guys I needed everyone in the house to help me harvest the lettuce well when they were harvesting I was a running made it down near Hillsdale where some friends lived. When I came back they gave me a 1 month punishment then I was chief expeditor I guess it was some kind of reverse psychology. After stayed awhile then came home did some good things and some bad.
5. If you could have changed anything about the program, what would it have been?
Interview 1: It helped me, so I don't really know what I would have changed.
Interview 2: I don't know. I didn't know what they were doing. I know they were trying to help, but I don't know.
Interview 3: Kinsman Hall was what it was. Despite all the abuse, I believe the place helped me. Or maybe it was just the time away from the streets. Who knows? The only thing I see that could have been different was maybe prepare a person better for real life. I know in my case I returned from a home visit and a few weeks later was told I could leave. I don't know about anyone else, but after 2 plus years I was totally lost outside of the Hall.
Interview 4: I would have changed some of the restrictions on outside information.
I am the first person to speak with a problematic person. Whether it is drug related or gang related sometimes the best way to get away from your environment, is time and separation. KH had the time and separation that I needed.
However, I now find myself craving the news and the history I missed during that time. We did have access to a radio once in a while, but finding out about the Apollo tragedy and things like that, I have an empty void that just won't fill. I don't think we needed to hear the daily news, but the historic news and important news of the time should have been available to us.
Interview 5: (no response)
Interview 6: To know that it is a daily care if you have the addiction in your blood and bones
6.How did Kinsman Hall impact your life after leaving the program?
Interview 1: They made me get my GED which made me feel good about myself and that was a big issue with me at home, not finishing school which made me feel like crap.
Interview 2: You mean besides the nightmares, I think about the place every day, I have been back dozens of times, It is definitely locked into my memory, I have chills thinking about it. It was quite the place.
Interview 3: To this day I'm a compulsive cleaner and I believe in "a place for everything and everything in it's place." I learned to cook somewhat in the Hall and have always been the cook in our household. The Halls' silly little phrases still run through my head. For 38 years, I've dreamed of the Hall and its people. Like I said earlier, I wasn't real close to anyone in particular, but in my dreams I remember everyone and I'm always having fun. The morning I found the Kinsman Hall website I had a dream of Jack Palmer and he was on my mind when I woke up so I got on the internet and there was the website.
Interview 4: KH was a complete turning point for me. I was fortunate not to be drug dependant like many of my brothers and sisters in KH. Actually, my drug use was minimal. Had I not gone to KH my drug use would have increased and I would have been in jail many times. KH put my head on straight.
After leaving KH I finished my probation with the courts, had my record expunged and obtained my GED. I immediately went to work and never looked back. I didn't look up my old friends because I didn't want to return to that.
I was extremely fortunate in my work. I became a certified welder, then a bus driver for the Regional Transit Athurity and attempted to get job with Greyhound. When Greyhound offered me a job, I turned them down and became a police officer in 1979 in south Florida. That department merged with the sheriff's office and I retired in 2009 after 30 years of decorated service. I was one of the first School Resource Officers in Broward County, I was a DARE Offier, a GREAT (Gang Resistance Education and Training) Officer, a Florida Crime Practioner and received many awards.
I found that I had empathy for those that needed it. I became highly respected by the community. I helped make a school drop- out prevention video for the school board and made PSA's for the community. I counseled many children and parents. I could identify with many people, but could never revealed it to anyone. I had a secret that I kept from everyone except my 2nd and 3rd wives. I didn't tell my son about my past until 6 months before I retired. If not for KH none of these would have been possible.
Interview 5: (no response)
Interview 6: Well after some of those punishments and situations it did toughen me up quite a bit. I never even thought about heroin speedball etc. The romanticizing at the hall. Had me wondering of course that first shot was all it took I was home. took a long time and much pain to get over it
7. Any additional comments an/or stories about your time at Kinsman Hall?
Interview 1: I was there for 2-1/2 years, I really think the good outweighed the bad as far as I am concerned. I made good friends and most of all I grew up.
Interview 2:
1.What were the circumstances surrounding your placement into Kinsman Hall?
Interview 1: I dropped out of school, was taking too many ups and downs at one time, last day home, put my fists through all of my folks upstairs windows, they were not home, my friend Nikki was there with me, we were both high, I asked her for more seconals, she said I had enough, I went crazy, she called my friend Margie who called Lou Flago, the Plainview Drug counselor, who came over, got a hold of Kinsman Hall, talked my folks into letting me go, he and Margie packed my bags and off I went, I was high when I left my house for Kinsman Hall, really didn't know what I was getting myself into.
Interview 2: I was arrested for B&E in the nighttime of a local drug store. 1 block from the police dept. They didn't like that. I didn't do any damage, we just had fun with the cocaine and opium, they got everything else back before we could get to any of it. So I was facing Juvenile Detention, which is no picnic. Kinsman Hall was called into court to represent me and the judge said OK.
Interview 3: When I was 17, I had been arrested twice for drug possession. I was also a chronic runaway. When I appeared in court I was declared a "Wayward Minor" and sentenced to the Ohio Youth Commission until my 18th birthday. The court was trying different things at the time and rather than keep me in the reformatory they sent me and a few other drug dependent youths to rehabs around the country. I ended up at Kinsman Hall in Maine.
Interview 4: As with many people, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My parents were more interested in what I could do for them instead of what I could do in school. It seemed I was destined to be a dirtbag. Even my high school counselor told me NOT to think about going to college. He told me I should find a trade school.
I dropped out of school in the 10th grade. I ended up hanging with the wrong people. I found myself doing drugs such as weed and acid. I was having run-ins with the police. Back in the 60's the courts acted quicker to send you to jail. The second time I was arrested was for fighting and the courts were going to lock me up. So, I ran away with my buddy to New Orleans.
I lived on the streets in New Orleans for about 3 months when I realized my buddy was not the best person for me to be with. He had ripped off some drug dealers and they were looking for the both of us. I fled New Orleans and went to live with my grandparents in Florida. I lived with them for a few months and then went home to Cleveland. I lived on the streets and with friends for a few months. The friend I was living with was unstable. He and I got into an argument one day and he shot at me with his shotgun, just missing me. This was my rock bottom.
I decided that I should turn myself in and I did. While I was in jail awaiting trial, I viewed a presentation on Teen Challenge, a drug re-hab for juveniles where you were sent away for 6 months. The courts were going to lock me up for 6 months anyway, so I told the courts I had a drug problem and wanted help. I figured it would be better then jail. Instead the courts decided to send me to Kinsman Hall. Two years, one week and six days later, I was released from Kinsman Hall. So much for a quick fix! I was 16 years old went I arrived at Kinsman Hall.
Interview 5: I was born into an academic family, first son of a college professor who, in my 16th year, would elect to split up our family so that he could be with a female student.
The path of my life’s spiral accelerated downward about 3years earlier however, when he accepted a job to teach at a university in Ohio. … and since house rentals were cheaper outside the city, our family (including younger brother and sister)- ended up living in a rural coal town about 20 miles from civilization. My new friends here would be largely ignorant future miners, who were in a hurry to grow up in all the wrong ways. I began
drinking and smoking cigarettes with them almost as soon as I arrived, and for some time my parents were too preoccupied to even notice. Finally, they did, but by that time, I had already gained experience seeking out the lowest common denominator in others.
Meanwhile, my relationship with my father became more and more conflicted. His demands that I get A’s in school while I was barely getting C’s, seemed nonsensical. It wasn’t that I was dumb, but simply that I found little reason in my current environment to do much of anything that wasn’t self destructive. Nothing I ever did was greeted by my father with anything other than derision.
Then in my 15th year we moved again. This time Dad accepted a job at a university in upstate New York. I didn’t know it at the time, but a major reason why we moved every 2 or 3 years was that my father was severely challenged to get along with anybody. This time again we rented a house in a rural town about 20 miles from the city to save on rent and my new school chums weren’t much different than those I’d left behind in Ohio. But now, I was older and more practiced at rebellion and trying to be dumb. At this new school, where I would remain until my 16th birthday when I unceremoniously quit, I would intentionally flunk the 9th grade and score a 0 on an IQ test.
Conflict with Dad escalated and on two occasions during my 15th year, he kicked me out of the house for periods of a week or more. It was during one of these periods I hooked up with a girl who was also a runaway. We were hitchhiking one rainy day when we got picked up by the police because her parents had called in about her. After checking my story, the police drove me home too, or to the house where my family lived. It was about 5pm, but nobody was home. That was strange! Soon my mother arrived, alone with a sad story to tell. She and my father were separating and she and my sister would soon be moving out. I was certain it was my fault.
Fallout from the hitchhiking incident would soon revisit me however. Apparently, I’d been ticketed for the offense, and my father, while seeking advice from the village judge about what he might do with me was told about Kinsman Hall.
Interview 6: I got arrested with ten kilos at my high school. We were cutting it up in the a.v. office. I was just into the Dead, Fillmore East and hippiedom, but I was more stoned than my counterparts. I was pretty sheltered at that time.
2.What were your first impressions of Kinsman Hall?
Interview 1: I wanted to go home, seeing all those shaved heads, stocking caps and signs, I thought I was in a nut house and did not belong there.
Interview 2: You mean besides, "What a nut house?"
Interview 3: Upon arriving at the Hall, I immediately had my head shaved (no one in the 60's shaved their heads) and was made to sit in a chair facing the wall for hours. Later that day, I was taken to the basement and screamed at by 6 or 8 residents until I finally cried out for help. I was then welcomed into the house, given a job and screamed at some more for not doing things "properly". Did I mention the snow and cold? My first impression? Too many rules, too much work and way too much screaming. And cold!
Interview 4: When I arrived (Hillsdale) I said to myself, “Oh my god, what have I done!”. But after about two weeks, I realized that KH would be good for me. I had made my escape plans prior to being sent to KH. I knew that KH was having the open house nights to hear our stories. I had made arrangements for my cousin to drive up there for one of the meetings and take me with him.
When I saw that KH could help screw my head on straight, I went to the staff and told them of my plans. I advised them to contact my cousin and advise him that I had decided to stay for the duration.
I adjusted quickly into the routine. I still remember being sent to the barn during a snow storm by an expeditor to get the sky hook. It only took me a half hour to figure out there is no such thing as a sky hook.
Interview 5: Easter Sunday 1971; 16 year, 4 months- An afternoon ride in the country with both my parents. This was new! My mother no longer lived in our family’s house, but she came along for the event. My younger brother and sister had not even been invited! My parents had told me there was something they wanted to show me. OK, what could that be?”
We rode for an hour or so, during which time they described an alternative to my living at home that we would look at today.
“But”, they added quickly, “if I didn’t like it, I could go home”. “That’s for sure”, I said to myself in a bid to reassure myself that I still had control.
But the truth was I wasn’t coming home. Unbeknownst to me, my belongings had been packed and quietly placed in the trunk. We arrived finally at a country estate-type setting where I soon discovered very strange-looking teens and 20-somethings walking around with shaved heads and awkward-looking cardboard signs around their necks. They all looked so very obedient and controlled. I had an impulse to get back into the car and get the hell out of this alien place, but before I could formulate a plan, my parents were escorted in one direction, and I in another. I wouldn’t see them again for quite some time. The smoothness of my introduction and the seeming friendliness of my escort was disarming, making my planned resistance difficult to carry out. I wasn’t sure against whom to resist! My escort was a guy about my age who himself was a resident. In fact, later that day after my parents had left, and I was feeling the deeper impact of what felt like their abandonment of me, this boy would become my ‘big brother’. But in that moment, I felt caught between needing to be cool and somehow giving voice to the terror and the rage I was currently feeling toward this place and my parents whose assurance that I could come home had obviously been a lie.
Interview 6: Well I was a shy teenager virgin in Hillsdale there were a lot of hard core dope fiends from Synanon program etc. So I was pretty intimidated. I wasn't using heroin yet. Mike Mora eventually turned me on. One time it was me, Mike, Paul, and Paul's wife, Deans daughter, you know who I mean in a place up in Harlem shooting up. It was a burning memory of Paul (was running it at one time) shooting up Dean’s daughter while she was pregnant. Wow! We were really sick that image was devastating until I realized how this thing called addiction can twist you and take you places that were unthinkable.
3.What was the most serious rule you ever broke while being a resident? Did you get caught and if so, what was your punishment?
Interview 1: I ran away with Sharon, got a GM, stocking cap, 18 hour kitchen duty.
Interview 2: The most serious rule? I didn't break any! I played the house like a pro, did everything right and skated on through. It didn't help a lot of people, but I was only in it for myself. Especially, after coming out of Juvenile Detention. I didn't trust anybody.
Interview 3: One night after being at the Hall about a year, I jumped off a second floor balcony into a snow drift, Ran a mile and a half to the road and hitched a ride south. I was going to Boston. About 45 miles later the man who picked me up turned east and dropped me off at a payphone (remember those?) in the middle of nowhere. It was below 0 and rather than freeze to death I decide to call the Hall and ask them to come pick me up and to please hurry. They didn't even know I was gone. Another shaved head more time on the chair and a GM for splitting and for stealing. (A puppy followed me down the road and rather than leave him to die in the cold when I caught a ride I put him under my coat and took him with me.) They called it stealing. I received a 20-hour work contract, that I got out of in a couple of days because they gave the whole house amnesty. I also, sniffed glue in the shop a couple of times and never got caught.
Interview 4: I actually didn't break too many rules and no serious rules. The most serious rule I broke was sending a letter to an old girlfriend while on my first off campus visit with my parents. I had come back from a doctor's appointment and everyone was gathered in the dining room (Jackman) and sitting quietly. It was a strange feeling walking into that. It was a guilt session and I confessed about the letter. I think I got a shaved head or 16 hr work contract.
I didn't get too many shaved heads and did receive one simply because I hadn't had one in a while and my hair was getting too long. The only time I was on a 20 hr contract was when I wanted to leave. I was falsely accused of something and unable to prove my innocence. I refused the punishment and elected to leave. I lasted about a week on the chair and gave up. I was later vindicated when the guilty party confessed to the violation. I don't remember what the violation was, but it wasn't serious.
Interview 5: For the first couple of weeks since becoming a resident at Kinsman Hall, I lived in a continued state of overwhelm toward the circumstances by which I was deposited here. From my tortured perspective, I’d been betrayed by my parents, abandoned to endure a daily regimen here that made little sense to me: frenetic bouts of cleaning punctuated by frequent verbal criticisms that seemed trivial. I was lonely, and unwilling to find any rationale by which proceedings here might make sense. Fitting in would be giving in… to them! I held my resistance close to my heart. It was all I had to keep me sane through this highly structured madness. So one beautiful spring morning, I was scheduled to get up an hour early along with four or five others to help prepare breakfast for the House.
At the Hillsdale facility where I resided at the time, the dorms were at the back, and in my walk from there to the House for my kitchen duties, I could actually see the main road. Oh my God, what a moment! This was probably the first time since I’d been here that I was actually alone. I felt powerless to resist the urge to …bolt! Route 23 was so close!! I started to run… I got to the edge of the property and rolled down the slight grassy hill to the road. I was breathing hard, more from the exhilaration of the moment than from any real fatigue. I waited for the car that would be my ticket out of this nightmare. “Come, on, come on…” I glanced again and again back to that rear kitchen door. “Had anybody seen me?”
Then, two cars rounded the bend in the road and were headed my direction. Ok, here it comes! I had always considered myself an accomplished hitchhiker and knew full well that ride-success depended on my ability to appear cheerful and non-threatening. … I would not have the luxury to stand here long. My absence would be noticed pretty quickly. The first car passed, but the second car stopped, and as I ran toward it to negotiate my ride to freedom, I silently thanked the powers that be for their recognition of justice. When the driver informed me he was going to Hudson, I was overjoyed! This was a town I knew in my “former” life. Hudson was a stone’s throw from home. “My God, escape was easier than I could ever have dreamed! I didn’t say much for most of the 30-minute ride. I had a lot of planning to do. First, I wanted to go to my former school and see my friends. This would be fun! But once I had told them my heroic story, I had to find a way to sell my return home to my parents. That might be difficult, but my desperation provided me false certainty I could pull it off.
Much of the next 12 hours was a blur, but by 5pm of the same day, I was in the family car with my father driving back to Kinsman Hall. I had lost my bid. I was tired of fighting. I had no place to go. I felt forlorn and utterly alone now, yet my father held my hand on the way back. He hadn’t done that in a long time.
Greetings from Kinsman Hall residents upon my return was less than welcoming. Nobody talked to me directly, but those who noticed me seemed annoyed. My penance began on a hard wooden chair in the expeditor’s office facing the corner “to think about what I’d done” under the watchful eye of the chief expeditor, Bob. I lived in that corner for 48 hours, including the four hours each night I was allowed to sleep on the floor underneath. I was never alone.
In the 47th hour, I was escorted to a nearby bathroom where my head was shaved with shaving cream, warm water, and a Gillette. The next stop was a large room where I would be the guest at a general meeting scheduled on my behalf. My heart started to pound as dozens of people filed into the room and sat on chairs around me. I didn’t recognize most of them, but I did see Brett, my big brother. Even he wouldn’t look directly at me. Nobody was smiling, and the annoyance I felt from them earlier that day on the chair seemed higher now.
Once everybody was confirmed present by headcount, it was my turn to explain to the room what I had done. I was about 40 words into a rather rambling story when one by one and then in groups, they stood and started screaming at me: a sea of angry faces. They told me how selfish I was, and how I’d abused the trust of those who cared about me. Brett got up and talked about how I’d manipulated his friendship; then another boy, Billy whom I recognized from before I split stood before me. I remembered that I had liked Billy’s style. He seemed confident and self-assured, brimming with energy, all the things I was pretty sure I wasn’t. He screamed about how he had cared about me and I’d hurt him. Then something odd began to happen. They were getting to me. My face began to feel hot and I started to cry, actually sob. It felt good, like rain washing a grimy window …certainly not part of my daily routine. Then they told me to beg forgiveness and to ask for the privilege of returning to the House. The strange sensations coursing through me grew. I screamed my request for forgiveness, again, and again… louder than I’d have thought possible, and then all of them came up and hugged me. I melted. I cried in their arms. Brett was there and Billy too, and others. They were all smiling now. I was back.
The final part of my penance was a 30 day, 16 hour a day work contract- a lot of washing dishes, and cleaning. It turned out Billy was on contract too. He was the most amazing dishwasher I’d ever seen! When he was in the dishpan, the whole process would literally became fun! For the first time in years, I felt that I had a home. Then, one evening, two weeks later, I was called out of the kitchen to speak to the man who seemed to be the head honcho, Paul. He informed me that my work contract would end early. I had been assigned to a group that was going to Maine. The next morning, I departed Hillsdale with a group of 10 others in a convoy of cars headed to our collective future in Jackman.
Interview 6: Well I guess all except real sex I was still a virgin when we got out. My first relationship was with a girl from there But she turned out to be gay. believe it or not it wasn't until I got some heroin in my blood till I had any game with women . I was really shy.
4.Were you ever put on a ban with anyone and if so, why?
Interview 1: I was put on a ban with Tommy, he was my friend from home. When he arrived we were put on a 30 day existance ban. I was also put on a ban with Tom H because they thought he was a bad influence on me and with Susan after we locked ourselves in a room and she had a big kitchen knife.
Interview 2: No.
Interview 3: Never on a ban. I was never that close to anybody.
Interview 4: I was never put on a ban with anyone.
Interview 5: Entrenched habits of my personality rendered me susceptible to the dangers of magical thinking. In other words, I tended to fantasize about the way I wanted things to be and then believed my own fantasies. A year into my stay at Kinsman Hall, residents and staff were one evening assembled in a large room under the house which we called the Redroom. We were celebrating somebody’s birthday with cake and music and some dancing. Louie glided across the floor to strains of Grateful Dead “Truckin”. I glanced at the various goings-on, and as my eye surveyed the room,
Then in an instant, my world changed. I saw a girl, or a maybe a princess. I’d never seen her before. She was talking to another girl I knew, Karen. I watched her mouth move and her hands gesture as she talked. She seemed passionately involved in some matter. I was overcome with longing as I looked at her. She seemed to be the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen. In my imagination, I could see her airbrushed in a wedding gown by my side. Over the next year or so, every Elton John or Seals and Croft song I heard was an ode to Pat. I was consumed by a black hole of an infatuation as strong as any ‘jones’ ever felt. When staff found out about it however, they put us on a ban because they said it was a distraction from my purpose being here.
A ban meant we were prohibited from any communication. I guess they were right, but I was beside myself. I can remember lying awake in my bunk at night punching the bottom of the bunk above me till my knuckles bled. It would be many years before I would finally understand that what I was feeling toward Patty actually had very little to do with her.
Interview 6: Well I used to escape allot. so the last time was my contract was:
Total talking ban from the whole house Wear a dress
shave half my head
no smoking
must eat outside with a plate but no fork and knife
my work was to set up a ironing board in the lobby and shine everyone's
shoes and iron there cloths
the contract was twenty hours per day 20 hours work 4 hours sleep .
In Hillsdale they had a porch outside that is where I had to sleep. I had some sort of sign but forgot what it said. It was for 60 days I made it 40 before I tweaked than they sent me to Maine. The part that got to me was the ban on talking everyone just ignored me I was really feeling lonely thought everyone hated me. I escaped one more time from Maine . At the time I was in charge of the farm. I told Dean and those guys I needed everyone in the house to help me harvest the lettuce well when they were harvesting I was a running made it down near Hillsdale where some friends lived. When I came back they gave me a 1 month punishment then I was chief expeditor I guess it was some kind of reverse psychology. After stayed awhile then came home did some good things and some bad.
5. If you could have changed anything about the program, what would it have been?
Interview 1: It helped me, so I don't really know what I would have changed.
Interview 2: I don't know. I didn't know what they were doing. I know they were trying to help, but I don't know.
Interview 3: Kinsman Hall was what it was. Despite all the abuse, I believe the place helped me. Or maybe it was just the time away from the streets. Who knows? The only thing I see that could have been different was maybe prepare a person better for real life. I know in my case I returned from a home visit and a few weeks later was told I could leave. I don't know about anyone else, but after 2 plus years I was totally lost outside of the Hall.
Interview 4: I would have changed some of the restrictions on outside information.
I am the first person to speak with a problematic person. Whether it is drug related or gang related sometimes the best way to get away from your environment, is time and separation. KH had the time and separation that I needed.
However, I now find myself craving the news and the history I missed during that time. We did have access to a radio once in a while, but finding out about the Apollo tragedy and things like that, I have an empty void that just won't fill. I don't think we needed to hear the daily news, but the historic news and important news of the time should have been available to us.
Interview 5: (no response)
Interview 6: To know that it is a daily care if you have the addiction in your blood and bones
6.How did Kinsman Hall impact your life after leaving the program?
Interview 1: They made me get my GED which made me feel good about myself and that was a big issue with me at home, not finishing school which made me feel like crap.
Interview 2: You mean besides the nightmares, I think about the place every day, I have been back dozens of times, It is definitely locked into my memory, I have chills thinking about it. It was quite the place.
Interview 3: To this day I'm a compulsive cleaner and I believe in "a place for everything and everything in it's place." I learned to cook somewhat in the Hall and have always been the cook in our household. The Halls' silly little phrases still run through my head. For 38 years, I've dreamed of the Hall and its people. Like I said earlier, I wasn't real close to anyone in particular, but in my dreams I remember everyone and I'm always having fun. The morning I found the Kinsman Hall website I had a dream of Jack Palmer and he was on my mind when I woke up so I got on the internet and there was the website.
Interview 4: KH was a complete turning point for me. I was fortunate not to be drug dependant like many of my brothers and sisters in KH. Actually, my drug use was minimal. Had I not gone to KH my drug use would have increased and I would have been in jail many times. KH put my head on straight.
After leaving KH I finished my probation with the courts, had my record expunged and obtained my GED. I immediately went to work and never looked back. I didn't look up my old friends because I didn't want to return to that.
I was extremely fortunate in my work. I became a certified welder, then a bus driver for the Regional Transit Athurity and attempted to get job with Greyhound. When Greyhound offered me a job, I turned them down and became a police officer in 1979 in south Florida. That department merged with the sheriff's office and I retired in 2009 after 30 years of decorated service. I was one of the first School Resource Officers in Broward County, I was a DARE Offier, a GREAT (Gang Resistance Education and Training) Officer, a Florida Crime Practioner and received many awards.
I found that I had empathy for those that needed it. I became highly respected by the community. I helped make a school drop- out prevention video for the school board and made PSA's for the community. I counseled many children and parents. I could identify with many people, but could never revealed it to anyone. I had a secret that I kept from everyone except my 2nd and 3rd wives. I didn't tell my son about my past until 6 months before I retired. If not for KH none of these would have been possible.
Interview 5: (no response)
Interview 6: Well after some of those punishments and situations it did toughen me up quite a bit. I never even thought about heroin speedball etc. The romanticizing at the hall. Had me wondering of course that first shot was all it took I was home. took a long time and much pain to get over it
7. Any additional comments an/or stories about your time at Kinsman Hall?
Interview 1: I was there for 2-1/2 years, I really think the good outweighed the bad as far as I am concerned. I made good friends and most of all I grew up.
Interview 2:
| Hundreds of stories, The people were great, it was quite the experience, It really helped me, but then again, it didn't. I would dream every night that I wake up at home… then the night man would scream and bang his night stick on the bed, "Come on, Get up!!", ARGHHH!!! That was every night! I split 2 days after my court case was dismissed. I went on my 9-month visit home and they accused me of getting high, when I was just so happy to be home. I came back, but I split the next morning. They searched for hours, but I was long gone through the woods. Interview 3: No additional comments. Interview 4: No additional comments. Interview 5: No additional comments. Interview 6: I know now that I must stay drug and alcohol free to be able to cope with situations when they come up. Staff Member Interview: How did you get involved with the Heppers and Kinsman Hall? When we had my son arrested for drug possession, we (I) took him to counseling. In the process, I heard about KH and arranged to have him committed there. He and I drove up to the KH site in Hillsdale, New York, visited, and arranged for his entrance there. I talked with Dean and agreed to provide in-kind, volunteer work raising funds and doing public relations work for KH. When KH moved to Jackman, Maine, I continued that work. Eventually, I quit my job in New York and moved to Maine, working on the administration of the Hall and doing PR and government relations work. Early on, I took part in an adult Marathon and later, in a Marathon with residents. Why did you leave? After about two and a half years, during which I had two sessions of marathon therapy and spent some time as a sort of resident, two things happened. First, it became financially necessary for me to go back to the real world and find work. Second, I objected to Dean’s accepting funds from the inheritance of one of the residents. At about that point, and since the two events occurred more or less simultaneously, Dean decided that I was “cured” and recommended that I return to my family. It was a wise thing to do and I did so. My son was still at KH. Why do you think the townspeople had such a negative view of Kinsman Hall? Jackman was an isolated town of essentially conservative people with relatively little understanding of the cultures of the mostly urban areas residents came from. Drug abusers were, as they still often are seen by some today, essentially criminals. I am sure they saw KH as a correctional facility and the place and its residents were viewed with hostility. The staff, being “foreigners” (this is Maine, we’re talking about) and being people who did not hide their education and city viewpoints were not likely to be readily integrated in the local society. How did Dean get people from various state institutions probated to Kinsman Hall? I was used as a "guinea pig" from Maine, but never knew how exactly I got selected. I wasn’t familiar with Dean’s relationships with the courts, but I assume he used his connections from his law enforcement work on Long Island to contact and work with appropriate people in the various other states. Can’t help much with this one. Here's a hard one...how did you really feel about the Heppers? Be Honest! Dean was a charismatic person, with a very convincing story. For me, his theories of treatment made sense and his therapy helped me a great deal, although it took several years for the results to really bear fruit. Dean had a huge ego, typical of people who believe they have a calling. As a former minister and a policeman, he was used to wielding power, and quite convinced that whatever he did was right. I think he helped many people but not, of course, all those who came to KH. In the end, though I was no longer there, I think he went off the deep end and allowed his certainty of his own belief in himself to overcome the moral views he may originally have held. As a disclaimer, I have to say that I was not there then, and my knowledge of what happened after I left is based on hearsay. Barbara Hepper was a very bright, though difficult, woman who was convinced of her superior social status and intelligence. I suspect that, for a long time, she kept Dean’s ego in check. I’m not at all clear how things played out at the end, but I assume that Dean simply stopped paying attention to her. Do you have any opinion about the Hepper children having to grow up sharing their parents with all the residents or how befriending a Hepper for a resident carried with it freedom from the regular routine of Kinsman Hall? Both the Hepper children (Dean Jr. and Carol, I didn't know Faith because she was so young), at the time I knew them, were willful, spoiled, manipulative and arrogant, as well as seriously dependent personalities, just as were the residents. I hope that changed. What they were like before coming to Maine, I don’t know, but I would have to assume these traits were present for a long time. I wasn’t involved in the daily activities of the residents at the Hall very much and, in any case, in those days was not particularly perceptive of relationships among the residents. It would not surprise me at all if what you imply took place. All the elements for such behavior were in place, and their parents did not appear to care or were somehow blind to it. Perhaps, because they were all in the same stew-pot, there was no avoiding it, but more effective parents might have been able to make a difference. I think Dean was somewhat aware of this behavior, but never did much to deal with it, to my knowledge. Additional Comments? None. |