Since a shaved head was what all the males dreaded most, whenever they would get one it was like cutting off an appendage. The era in which Kinsman Hall came into being was long before shaved heads were fashionable. We lived in a time when a person’s hair helped define who they were and what they were. The intricate dance a male resident learned was one that allowed him to grow his hair and to let his freak flag fly again. This dance was an important one. His locks remained with him until he zigged when he should have zagged. Missing a beat and stepping on someone’s toes by breaking the rules always seemed to led to a shaved head and some males were constantly having to regrow some hair. Every now and then even a girl would receive an actual haircut, but it was nothing as drastic as getting a shaved head. For girls it was never more than the removal of several inches of much needed split ends which seemed at the time every bit as damning as a shaved head was to the males. I often wondered if the thought of female shaved heads was ever tossed around in those imaginary brainstorming sessions the staff would have. If it was, the house never caught wind of it.
The perfect behavior altering punishment was always being sought after. The end supposedly justified the means, so there were no actual boundaries governing what could or couldn't be done to any of us in the guise of helping us. The word "abuse" never seemed to come into the picture regarding anything related to Kinsman Hall especially where punishments were concerned. If it worked then it was going to be used, so every now and then a new punishment would get thrown into the mix. Shaved eyebrows came about very briefly as a punishment, but was never implemented. Bernie made sure of that! Bernie was the first chosen recipient of having his eyebrows shaved because no punishment seemed to phase him very much. Seen as a challenge to staff, Bernie's bad behavior was never easily modified. To the very end, he held onto his belligerence and resistance to change. He physically struggled so much when several male staff members tried to give him shaved eyebrows that the punishment couldn’t be executed without serious consequences. His resistance to that punishment made it obvious that someone would have gotten hurt in order to carry it out, so instead, to humiliate him as much as possible he was chained to the pole in the Main Area and later thrown in the Kinsman Hall jail cell.Scott was one of the lucky ones who fell through the cracks. He was able to grow his hair while others in his peer group went hairless. Was Scott well-behaved? Did his conduct really warrant not having a shaved head? Probably not! I think Scott was a patient soul and observant enough to see how the game was really played. He learned early that if he sat back and let the people who needed to be the center of attention have their way, he could just coast through the program unnoticed. Those residents staying in the lime light were the ones who made him look good. Their bad behavior in contrast to his allowed him to be considered a “good boy” by default.
That image of goodness allowed Scott to become virtually invisible. The attention whores made it easy for him to escape getting caught when he broke rules along the way. In reality, the rules Scott broke probably weren’t that outrageous, but after all, he did come to Kinsman Hall so he wasn’t lily white and pure at heart. No person residing at Kinsman Hall could be considered a model citizen or role model for anyone. Like the rest of us, Scott was a misfit, but it wasn’t by accident that Scott became trusted early on and sailed smoothly through the entire program. I think he had some grand master plan and knew exactly what he was doing.
Thick long blonde hair and a mellow disposition were Scott’s claim to fame, but somehow he paled in comparison to the bad boys and their cocky attitudes. What some bad boy males lacked in looks, they made up for in other ways. I never totally understood why all the Kinsman Hall fickle females didn't flock around Scott, unless it had to do with his lack of being one of the bad boys. Meeting him again as an adult, I definitely wondered why the Kinsman Hall females didn’t pay closer attention to him when he was young and catchable. Perhaps the answer to that is wrapped up somewhere in the sick fascination some women have with bad boys and assholes. Regrettably, being attracted to those type of men is one of some women's most damaging feminine flaws. If we, females could have been able to instantly jump ahead 30 years or so when our thirst for bad boys has been thoroughly quenched by experience, I’m sure Scott would have had all the ladies chasing after him.
The male/female cat and mouse game was just another aspect of life at Kinsman Hall that made little sense. The game was frowned upon, but nonetheless was quite alive and well everyday as people noticed each other and started building the “bridges” that were labeled as taboo. We all followed a voice much louder and deeper than Dean Hepper’s. Hormonal urges and matters of the heart will trump any rational action especially those urges felt amongst a group of seriously impaired individuals who rarely followed any rules throughout their younger years.
Just by chance, one might notice how beautiful a person’s smile is or how the sunlight can sparkle as it illuminates a person’s hair as the wind blows through it. Someone who you hadn’t noticed the day before suddenly captures your attention. A certain interest is piqued. A spark ignites a flame. The flame grows into wanting things you can’t have. You find yourself imagining the impossible and that impossibility feels great as you slowly savor it again and again in your mind. Then reality hits! Relationships, at least “recognized” relationships at Kinsman Hall were something only the lucky ones experienced. Most infatuations were short lived and fickleness seemed to spread like a wildfire throughout the house touching each of us many times during our residency. We all seemed to adhere to a Stephen Stills song as we changed partners periodically playing what appeared to be musical hearts:
All of the ladies attending the ball
Are requested to gaze in the faces
Found on the dance cards
Please then remember
And don't get too close
To one special one
He will take your defenses and run.
So we change partners
Time to change partners
You must change partners
Again
This is how most of our ladies grew up
At the country club dances
They learned how to handle the boys
Gently, but firmly
They learned to say no
There were four more young men
Who were waiting in the color and the noise.
So we change partners
Time to change partners
You must change partners
Again
All of the ladies attending the ball
Are requested to gaze in the faces
Found on the dance cards
Please then remember
And follow your list
'Cause the dear things get hurt
And the broken hearts make you feel.
So we change partners
Time to change partners
You must change partners
Again
Around and around we all went with our raging hormones while yet again another Stills song, Love The One You’re With governed our hearts and the decisions we made:
If you're down and confused
And you don't remember who you're talkin' to
Concentration slip away
Cause your baby is so far away.
Well, there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle files with the dove,
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Love the one you're with
Love the one you're with.
Don't be angry, don't be sad,
And don't sit cryin' over good times you've had,
There's a girl right next to you
And she's just waitin' for something to do.
Well, there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love,
Love the one you're with
Love the one you're with.
Turn your heartache right into joy
She's a girl, you're a boy.
Get it together make it nice
Ain't gonna need anymore advice.
Well, there's a rose in the fisted glove
And the eagle flies with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love
Love the one you're with.
