The inevitable happened...it always does. I got to know people. In fact, I even started to make friends. Charlene was in my peer group, but had come into the program shortly before me. She was five years older than me, shorter than me and basically everything I wasn't except for brunette...we did have that in common. From the start, she told me I reminded her of her kid sister, Patti a wild, free spirit who didn't take anyone's crap. Was that who I was? I was beginning to feel torn down and unsure of who Karen really was. Maybe my toughness was just a flimsy facade after all.
I took great pride in being chameleon-like so I could to fit into any situation. I never found any one particular situation that felt more comfortable than the others to make me want to gravitate towards it and mark it as being mine. No place felt like “home” to me. I was that way with people also. After a certain point in my life, I had no preference when it came to friends. I always looked at each person as an equal regardless of our differences. Now, it seemed like my indifference was a bad thing instead of an attribute. Who was that person I saw in the mirror and would I ever really know her?
Like any person who found friendship at Kinsman Hall, that friendship usually came with negative contracts. The laws of nature at Kinsman Hall seemed to dictate that young people who became friends could not co-exist without negative contracts. That's just how it was! Rules were made to be broken! We all know everything in life has a price tag on it and it seemed friendships sometimes come with one also. Part of who each of us was is that person who we were before Kinsman Hall, so a negative contract seemed to be such a small price to pay for a close friendship. It was all part of learning boundaries and discovering who we could trust. That person who we all were before coming to Kinsman Hall was part of who we were and always would be, so naturally a real friend would be someone who could embrace that aspect of our life and accept us as we are… flawed and imperfect.
Charlene and I shared our life stories without hesitation when we could. Of course, those stories had to be in private because every story we told would have been considered a "war story" since they involved the graphic and intimate details about our drug use, our sexual history and our life before Kinsman Hall. One by one our stories unfolded as we laughed and cried together in the laundry room where we worked keeping everyone's tidy whities clean. Charlene and I never plotted to do anything terrible or unspeakable, so our negative contract in reality was about a -3 on a scale of 1 to 10. We just enjoyed the uncensored girl talk we both were in dire need of and found comfort in each other's imperfections.
As a result of that uncensored girl talk, she got me interested in my very first crush at Kinsman Hall. Ron was my age and the younger brother of someone Charlene knew on the streets. His older brother, Bob was on construction staff, a branch of staff that had nothing to do with the residents. The construction crew was exactly that. Their purpose was to build so the “family” could expand. I suppose expanding was Dean Hepper's grandiose idea of saving the world one troubled youth at a time! My observation of the expansion was of chaos attempting to be organized. Everything was full of good intentions, but nothing seemed to ever get completed.
I think the most positive aspect of my friendship with Charlene was that we didn't pretty up any of our flaws. We trusted each other enough to just tell the story as it happened and to let the blame lay where it was supposed to lie. With her, I never felt any need to clean things up or make myself look blameless. She accepted me for the person I was which always amazed me because I didn't know who that person was, but she seemed to have such a clear picture of me. I always wished I could get a sneak peak of that person through her eyes. The real me was illusive and stayed just out of my view. Of course, staff began to scrutinize our friendship as we began to spend more and more of our free time together. We never were put on a ban, but came close a few times as we were constantly told to spread our action.
They say a real friend is someone who will help you move the body after the dirty deed is done. I always smiled at that thought and I knew when guilt sessions came around, Charlene would never give up anything I confided in her as guilt. Our measly little negative contract stayed safe until the day she left. Our negative contract didn’t grow much even when Big Brother wasn’t watching. We always knew that under different circumstances our friendship would be a close one so we looked forward to the day we could be friends outside of Kinsman Hall.
Because my mother had gotten remarried and had moved to Florida while I was at Kinsman Hall, I had no opportunity to have a family visit when they finally were allowed. I came to accept that I’d have to go the distance with being satisfied with having the outside world as just a cherished memory until I could be a part of it again. I was totally shocked when staff decided to let me go on a visit with Charlene and her family. I can only imagine what strings had to be pulled to make that happen. Thank you Mr. and Mrs, Mintz!
Although the time spent away from Kinsman Hall was just an overnight visit, an overnight visit seemed like a dream come true. We were going to be able to act like real people and be out in the real world. Her parents made reservations at The Sky Lodge, which for Jackman, Maine standards was probably the closest thing they had to a 5-star hotel. Jackman’s claim to fame was that it was one of the last stopping off points in the United States before entering into Canada. People in route to Quebec often stopped there overnight and found the quaintness of the town charming. Back then, I found small towns to be boring and suffocating, but The Sky Lodge suddenly seemed like an oasis to me.
I took great pride in being chameleon-like so I could to fit into any situation. I never found any one particular situation that felt more comfortable than the others to make me want to gravitate towards it and mark it as being mine. No place felt like “home” to me. I was that way with people also. After a certain point in my life, I had no preference when it came to friends. I always looked at each person as an equal regardless of our differences. Now, it seemed like my indifference was a bad thing instead of an attribute. Who was that person I saw in the mirror and would I ever really know her?
Like any person who found friendship at Kinsman Hall, that friendship usually came with negative contracts. The laws of nature at Kinsman Hall seemed to dictate that young people who became friends could not co-exist without negative contracts. That's just how it was! Rules were made to be broken! We all know everything in life has a price tag on it and it seemed friendships sometimes come with one also. Part of who each of us was is that person who we were before Kinsman Hall, so a negative contract seemed to be such a small price to pay for a close friendship. It was all part of learning boundaries and discovering who we could trust. That person who we all were before coming to Kinsman Hall was part of who we were and always would be, so naturally a real friend would be someone who could embrace that aspect of our life and accept us as we are… flawed and imperfect.
Charlene and I shared our life stories without hesitation when we could. Of course, those stories had to be in private because every story we told would have been considered a "war story" since they involved the graphic and intimate details about our drug use, our sexual history and our life before Kinsman Hall. One by one our stories unfolded as we laughed and cried together in the laundry room where we worked keeping everyone's tidy whities clean. Charlene and I never plotted to do anything terrible or unspeakable, so our negative contract in reality was about a -3 on a scale of 1 to 10. We just enjoyed the uncensored girl talk we both were in dire need of and found comfort in each other's imperfections.
As a result of that uncensored girl talk, she got me interested in my very first crush at Kinsman Hall. Ron was my age and the younger brother of someone Charlene knew on the streets. His older brother, Bob was on construction staff, a branch of staff that had nothing to do with the residents. The construction crew was exactly that. Their purpose was to build so the “family” could expand. I suppose expanding was Dean Hepper's grandiose idea of saving the world one troubled youth at a time! My observation of the expansion was of chaos attempting to be organized. Everything was full of good intentions, but nothing seemed to ever get completed.
I think the most positive aspect of my friendship with Charlene was that we didn't pretty up any of our flaws. We trusted each other enough to just tell the story as it happened and to let the blame lay where it was supposed to lie. With her, I never felt any need to clean things up or make myself look blameless. She accepted me for the person I was which always amazed me because I didn't know who that person was, but she seemed to have such a clear picture of me. I always wished I could get a sneak peak of that person through her eyes. The real me was illusive and stayed just out of my view. Of course, staff began to scrutinize our friendship as we began to spend more and more of our free time together. We never were put on a ban, but came close a few times as we were constantly told to spread our action.
They say a real friend is someone who will help you move the body after the dirty deed is done. I always smiled at that thought and I knew when guilt sessions came around, Charlene would never give up anything I confided in her as guilt. Our measly little negative contract stayed safe until the day she left. Our negative contract didn’t grow much even when Big Brother wasn’t watching. We always knew that under different circumstances our friendship would be a close one so we looked forward to the day we could be friends outside of Kinsman Hall.
Because my mother had gotten remarried and had moved to Florida while I was at Kinsman Hall, I had no opportunity to have a family visit when they finally were allowed. I came to accept that I’d have to go the distance with being satisfied with having the outside world as just a cherished memory until I could be a part of it again. I was totally shocked when staff decided to let me go on a visit with Charlene and her family. I can only imagine what strings had to be pulled to make that happen. Thank you Mr. and Mrs, Mintz!
Although the time spent away from Kinsman Hall was just an overnight visit, an overnight visit seemed like a dream come true. We were going to be able to act like real people and be out in the real world. Her parents made reservations at The Sky Lodge, which for Jackman, Maine standards was probably the closest thing they had to a 5-star hotel. Jackman’s claim to fame was that it was one of the last stopping off points in the United States before entering into Canada. People in route to Quebec often stopped there overnight and found the quaintness of the town charming. Back then, I found small towns to be boring and suffocating, but The Sky Lodge suddenly seemed like an oasis to me.
We did nothing during that visit that could be considered too outrageous, but for us it was a landmark in our stay at Kinsman Hall. We ate real food, slept in real beds and even drank a few cocktails before and after dinner. The biggest thing for both of us was that we wore real clothes and looked like real girls again.
We were two “knock outs” if I have to say so myself. We wore make up, curled our hair and even wore some cheap "bling". All these things were very foreign to me because I was a hippie and hippies didn’t wear make-up and curl their hair. Hippies grooved on the natural beauty of things. That night for the first time in such a very long time we blended in with every other person in the restaurant at the hotel. No one seemed to notice the scarlet “F” we wore branded on our foreheads which identified us as freaks or fuck-ups to the rest of the world. That giant “F” magically became invisible outside the property line of Kinsman Hall where we were able to leave stocking caps, object lessons and myriad rules behind for 24 hours. Hallelujah!
When Charlene finally left Kinsman Hall, I was sad, but also happy because she was going to be “set free." It was as if a part of me was being set free. Leading up to the day she left, we talked about getting together when I would leave in several months. I could see myself going to New York to start a new life and leaving Maine behind forever. As far as I was concerned, Maine was good for one thing...to be left behind and forgotten. Every painful memory I owned took place in Maine and I desperately wanted to put it all behind me!
We were two “knock outs” if I have to say so myself. We wore make up, curled our hair and even wore some cheap "bling". All these things were very foreign to me because I was a hippie and hippies didn’t wear make-up and curl their hair. Hippies grooved on the natural beauty of things. That night for the first time in such a very long time we blended in with every other person in the restaurant at the hotel. No one seemed to notice the scarlet “F” we wore branded on our foreheads which identified us as freaks or fuck-ups to the rest of the world. That giant “F” magically became invisible outside the property line of Kinsman Hall where we were able to leave stocking caps, object lessons and myriad rules behind for 24 hours. Hallelujah!
When Charlene finally left Kinsman Hall, I was sad, but also happy because she was going to be “set free." It was as if a part of me was being set free. Leading up to the day she left, we talked about getting together when I would leave in several months. I could see myself going to New York to start a new life and leaving Maine behind forever. As far as I was concerned, Maine was good for one thing...to be left behind and forgotten. Every painful memory I owned took place in Maine and I desperately wanted to put it all behind me!
After Charlene was gone and until I left, I thought of her each day. I often wondered if our plans would happen as we had planned them. I knew time would tell and if nothing else I’d always remember Charlene with fond memories because we helped each other get through some very dark days.