Kathy had her hands full teaching me the ropes. She was expected to make me familiar with all the everyday protocol, procedures and rules. Making sense out of things that were senseless took talent and true leadership. Kathy seemed to be a natural at being a big sister and it wasn't until much later into the program that I learned what a trainwreck Kathy had started out as in the program. Maybe that's why they had selected her as my big sister. It takes one to know one. Perhaps having had such a difficult time adjusting to the program when she first arrived gave her the edge she needed to reach hard to reach cases like me. I only assumed since I had been labeled as being a problem at Hallowell, I would be considered one at Kinsman Hall as well until I proved otherwise. Due to my past Houdini stunts of disappearing, I also assumed I would be considered a high risk to split. I was more than familiar with the drill. Perhaps someday, I too would be trustworthy enough to be a big sister or to be put in any position of responsibility. Time would tell.
As Kathy took me under her wing, I felt like a diamond in the rough as she began to polish me vigorously. Just before my real potential started to shine through, she released me to find my own way. It took about a month of being a candidate before I was made a resident. It’s funny, but somehow I thought I’d feel differently when I reached that big step, yet I still longed for things I couldn’t have. Buried somewhere inside of me were all those people and places I wanted and needed, but the words were forbidden. The past was the past and not something to be dwelled upon or discussed in any detail. Here we learned about each other in small installments since talk of the streets was something that wasn’t allowed. It was considered negative and strictly against the rules.During the time I was under Kathy’s guidance, if I had gotten in any trouble not only would I get disciplined for whatever I did, but so would she. I guess this was supposed to be an extra incentive for her do a great job of educating me and keeping me out of trouble. It certainly became a deterrent for me, since I really wasn’t into taking other people down with me. Making someone a big sister or big brother was just one of the many creative checks and balances within the Kinsman Hall program. Not only did it give a resident the opportunity to show how far they had progressed, but it also was a way to put a candidate on the right path. How fast a candidate adjusted to Kinsman Hall was a direct reflection on that person’s mentoring ability. I think sometimes miracles were expected and sometimes miracles were delivered. If nothing else, a person’s life was definitely saved while at Kinsman Hall. In some cases, the band-aid that had been applied wasn’t strong enough to continue its protective barrier once the person reemerged into society. Sometimes no matter what was tried, nothing worked. I think some people are just unreachable and sometimes unsaveable. It's sad, but true!
At times, I might refer to Kinsman Hall’s program and therapy as a hodgepodge that mimicked other psychological philosophies. One great example of this is how in many ways being a big brother or sister was a lot like being a sponsor in any 12-step program. As seen in A.A. type programs, not only is it an excellent way to give back to a program that has helped countless people over decades, but it also is a way to make the sponsor keep their own behavior in check while having to set a good example for someone else. Ultimately, the goal is for the person to follow in their sponsor’s footsteps. Being a big brother or a big sister mirrored that in so many ways. Looking back, I can’t think of anyone’s footsteps I would have rather followed in than hers. Kathy was her own person and no pushover in any situation. Not only did I quickly grow to respect her, but I admired her as well. She was older and probably wiser than most of the females at Kinsman Hall.
I don’t think I ever conveyed my feelings to her at the time, but somehow I hope she at least got the feeling every now and then that I was a job well done. I believe, in part, she was one of the biggest reasons I stuck with it and decided to give the program a try. Every time I looked at her, she always looked like someone I wanted to be someday. I know now she’d laugh at me thinking she had it all together because she considered herself a mess. But to a 16-year-old most everyone else appeared to be much more together than I was. After all, I was just a kid and a new resident!
Usually learning the ropes anywhere meant learning how to survive by doing as little as possible to get by. In this situation, there was no easy way out and no corners to cut. Being part of Kinsman Hall meant certain things were expected from each resident. Entering into the program and proceeding forward gave staff the green light to royally fuck with the mind of each resident and to completely turn their whole world upside down and inside out. They proudly wreaked havoc as they blasted each person with mega doses of Kinsman Hall style reality.
Kathy was brutally honest when it came to telling me what I could expect. I initially thought she was just trying to shock me or scare me into being submissive and at times, I almost thought she was telling me to get out while I still could before I got in too deep. Everyone who chose to stay eventually reached a point of no return regardless of how resistant that person was initially. For each person, that point came at a different time and for various reasons. Some reached it sooner than others, but for me it was around the time I realized I didn’t really have anywhere else to go. Shortly before my seventeenth birthday about 9 months after my arrival, I realized my options were very limited and my life was going to be what I molded it into being. That thought scared the hell out of me.
It was almost as if I had been reborn and like a baby, I was a blank slate. And like a baby, I had to learn how to live and function in order to survive out in the big, bad world. It wasn’t until later that I realized Kathy was just trying to be compassionate by telling me the truth. She wanted to spare me some unnecessary grief by letting me know there was only one way to do Kinsman Hall with the least amount of agony possible and that was by doing things their way. She told me the more time I spent spinning my wheels and banging my head on the wall, the longer it would take me to find my groove and to go with the flow. Her words certainly resonated many times along the way, but I have to admit what I had wanted more than her words was her friendship. That was something I never got. In fact, when her tenure with me was complete, I don't remember her ever speaking to me again. I suppose she must have! After all two years is a long time, but if she did talk to me the instances were never memorable ones. At best, they were brief and superficial. Let's just say things went back to the normal status quo and I was treated like all the other younger female residents by all the rest of "Barbara's girls." "Barbara's girl's" were the older female residents that Barbara Hepper graced with her favor. When I entered the resident phase of the program, I entered it as an orphan. My security blanket was gone and I was left to walk the road with many others yet I initially walked that road alone.
Like most misfits, I spent a lot of my time dwelling on what not to do and all the wrong things instead of getting my head into the game. The more rules I broke and the more time I spent getting in trouble, the longer it would take to get to that place of feeling like I had actually accomplished something. I knew it would be a difficult undertaking because going with the flow was never my thing. I think Kinsman Hall’s motto should have been “resistance is futile” because even the strongest willed person conformed enough to get by after awhile. Everyone learned how to play the game, but some were better at it than others were. I guess it all came down to how stubborn a person was and if they had to learn everything the hard way. I also suppose that for some because they drank the Kool-aid, they believed everything they were told and remained compliant right from the start to the bitter end. For me, swallowing that Kool-aid wasn’t an easy thing to do!