The rumors of Dean and his private harem only led me to assume that middle-aged men didn't need physical beauty to be turned on. In a place like Kinsman Hall just a youthful face would suffice and of course, the right opportunity was all it seemed to take to entice some people into becoming Dr. Jekkyl and Mr. Hyde. At Kinsman Hall, the combination of youth and opportunity were in abundance if a person was in a position of power and wanted to abuse their power. But the question should be did any staff members actually abuse their power by taking advantage of any resident? I can only speculate where the truth really lies and hopefully, someday others like me will step forward and tell their own story. They are the ones who can truthfully answer that question with first hand knowledge. What I know comes from being told from others and it isn't my story to tell. The only thing I can say with 100% certainty is that Dean Hepper never approached me nor did he ever touch me in an inappropriate way.
Most people became awe struck upon entrance of the program. The Heppers were revered as gods and their flock was a collection of lost souls. By the time most people left the program, they held a completely different view of all the key players and their roles at Kinsman Hall. Right from the start, residents were taught about how people put other people in "boxes" and how wrong and unfair it is to do that. Yet, even with that knowledge and constant reinforcement that imprisoning a person within a certain box is detrimental to both parties and a relationship cannot ever exist as long as the box exists putting people in boxes was always alive and well at Kinsman Hall.
Today that concept is called stereotyping. The boxes people formed had labels on them and each label dictated how the person should look and act. Of course, each person had their own unique set of labels and boxes which were created throughout their life from their own personal experiences. Putting people in boxes was a convenient way to explain the actions of others and to keep things orderly within a person's psyche much like a file cabinet, but the trouble with boxes was that people refused to stay in the ones in which they had been assigned. Boxes quickly became too confining and caused pandemonium when a person did something uncharacteristic of their label and ventured outside their box.
What happens when the person you had labeled as "an idiot” gets accepted into Harvard? What happens when a heartless ogre does some great humanitarian act? What happens when people you trust do unspeakable things to you? The label no longer fits and we scramble to make new boxes with different labels to accommodate the change. The process is a hard one to stop, yet I believe one of the more positive things I learned during my time at Kinsman Hall was how to look at each person as an individual without a box being involved.
The Heppers bore the stigma and burden of being put into a box also. That box was labeled by many as "therapist" or "executive director" or even “God” at times, which translated into having omnipotent, deity-like qualities where perfection was expected and no visible mistakes were allowed. Outwardly, the Heppers (Dean and Barbara) were pillars of strength and a model by which each of us should have wanted to pattern our lives and behaviors. Most residents saw only a one-dimensional side of the whole person and bypassed all the other facets especially those that made Dean and Barbara flawed human beings like the rest of us.
Kinsman Hall prided itself on its rigid hierarchy. In any kingdom there are the peons and then there is the reigning monarchy. The inner circle consisted of The Heppers, of course and people close to the Heppers. I never attempted to find out what it took to be in that inner circle because I assumed the price I would have to pay would be far too steep and way too costly for a poor misguided teenager like myself. Befriending a Hepper, any Hepper just didn’t appeal to me or my values at the time. It also acted as a buffer to keep me safer than what others experienced.
Within each kingdom comes its “stories” or rumors of misdeeds perpetrated by the monarchy. Kinsman Hall was no exception! The Kinsman Hall dynasty had their share of rumors that circulated as well. Because I never personally participated in any of the stories I heard I never placed much importance in any of them. I also think I never questioned the validity of any story because in doing so if I had found out the truth (and most of us knew the truth without having to be told), it would have effected my recovery in a negative way. It’s easier to “drink the Kool-Aid" when you believe in the people making the Kool-Aid.
Now, many years later most of the stories I heard have been validated as being the truth or worse than what I originally heard. As I look back I wonder how I could have overlooked certain staff members getting high, the stories of open lesbianism, the gross sexual misconduct between staff and residents and all the other flagrant misuses of power. I guess I overlooked it like a parent overlooking a child’s bad behavior. If I didn’t see it then I didn’t have to deal with it on a personal level. All those horrible things happened to someone else and not me. Now, looking back I feel a hollowness that touches something deep inside me. I feel cheated and yes, robbed of two years of my life, but I also feel like I turned my back on those people who really did suffer by saying nothing...by doing nothing. My silence and every other person's silence only allowed the pain they suffered to be an acceptable part of Kinsman Hall. Why did we stay silent? I think the most honest answer to that question is who was anyone going to tell? Who could we tell? Who was going to listen? And more importantly, who would have done anything to help?
Now, looking back I’m able to see everyone as human beings with flaws as huge as the ones I was burdened with at that time. Things that I so readily accepted as status quo now are seen in a different light. Equality was not something that was ever practiced at Kinsman Hall. I see now that I was viewed as a “flight” risk from day one and because of that I wasn’t given the opportunity to advance into some positions that would have made escape very easy for me. I was, after all the “guinea pig” and how would it look if the “guinea pig” escaped from its cage?
Many stories circulated. Most of us heard them from time to time, but who really knows what went on behind closed doors, except the people who had roles in the stories? I’m sure those people weren’t confronted, written up and given a haircut for their real infractions. Maybe their clean-up was to suffer in silence. The theory of where there is smoke, there is fire most likely holds true in this instance also, but since I have no firsthand knowledge of any sparks being ignited between the Heppers and myself, I can only say that I smelt smoke from time to time without witnessing any fire. I saw the looks that were exchanged. I saw the typical uncomfortable demeanor people would display who got caught up in things they shouldn’t have. Drug addicts and misfits always think they are smooth but how smooth can their behavior be when they live with a house full of people just like them?
As each person finally figured out the Heppers were not deities, but human beings, that realization rarely came as a relief, but as a cruel disappointment and created a whole array of bad feelings. For most, it took a long time for Dean and Barbara to be seen as human beings and for some it wasn't until long after they left Kinsman Hall before they realized the "perfection" box in which the Heppers lived was a flimsy one made of cardboard and was held together with cheap cellophane tape. Regretfully, I have to admit some people still carry the ill effects of their disillusionment as if their awakening had just happened today. Some have never awoken and most likely, never will.
Regardless of which camp a person decided to call home, each person took with them certain tools that were useful in their life after Kinsman Hall. Two key concepts that were heavily stressed still remain with me today. Dean drilled into us that "the road to Hell was paved with good intentions." Each person was eventually forced into seeing that many times our actions, even those well-intended ones with positive motivation can turn sour and have a negative outcome. Pain is pain regardless of what method it was inflicted. So a person must accept the consequences of their actions regardless of what their motives or intentions were. In the end, what counts is the outcome.
The other concept that goes hand in hand with that one is the "ripple effect." Quite simply, if a pebble is dropped into a pond it causes ripples that fan out from the point of impact. It makes me think of Newton's third law, the law of reciprocal actions that states for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Slowly, each of us learned how our actions have the same ripple effect as that pebble in the pond and how many people are affected by our actions.
Ultimately, we steer many things, but most importantly, we do steer our actions and we do carry the responsibility of how our actions impact other people's lives directly and indirectly. Sometimes the ripples feel more like a shockwave and the effect is long-lasting and far-reaching. For most of the survivors, Kinsman Hall was a meteor hurled into the ocean from the far reaches of space which caused a life-altering tsunami. As with any disaster, there were casualties. The wounds were both emotional and physical, yet the thing that disturbs me the most are the lives that were lost. Their words can never be heard and their stories never told. The rest live with their scars, but at least they are alive to see the scars and they can work towards reducing them to a barely visible emotional blemish.
I often wondered what it was like for Dean and Barbara’s children growing up and sharing not only their home, but their parents with such emotionally bankrupt individuals. The "chosen ones" who were befriended by the Hepper children seemed to have it made. While most residents, worked and stayed strictly within the confines of Kinsman Hall, friends of the Hepper's definitely reaped many benefits that the rest never had. I never felt inclined to attempt to strike up a friendship because I had an enormous problem with authority figures. Being friends with the owner's children would have put me too close for comfort to what I wanted to avoid the most. For the most part, I enjoyed being invisible and unworthy. I liked it that way. Besides I had a huge problem with how the Heppers flaunted their relationships in front of all the have nots. It was cruel and needless and shouldn't have been allowed.
I remember the things others would say about the people who were befriended by Carol, Dean Jr. and Faith. It was like the keys to the golden gates of freedom had been bestowed upon them. Suddenly Kinsman Hall no longer seemed like such a prison. I suppose jealousy was at the root of most of the unkind things that were said about any of these lucky individuals, but who really could blame anyone who was left behind unbefriended for feeling the whole "friendship" thing was unfair? It was just one more example of the "haves" and the "have-nots." And of what went on behind closed doors! Inequality and injustices exist everywhere... even in a place that prided itself on tearing down the walls of negativity! It took me many years to realize that the acceptance "the chosen ones" found in their relationships with Dean Jr., Carol and Faith was just a way to ease their own pain. They needed a sense of belonging and so the Heppers filled that void by welcoming them into their inner circle and into their family. The unfortunate thing was that not everyone would or could experience that inner circle. The majority of residents were just residents and nothing more.
I've always been a people watcher, so Kinsman Hall became my cornucopia. Often times the things I couldn't figure out at first, came to me a little at a time. I watched the Heppers and how they interacted with others. I took note of who were their favorites and who virtually went unnoticed. The Heppers weren't invincible and their children bore the horrible scars of dysfunction and was manifested by each person they befriended. Their friendships weren't the wholesome type that might be showcased on an episode of The Waltons, but would more likely be the topic of parody on South Park or The Simpsons.
Just like wealthy people question the motives of people wanting to be with them, I'm sure the Heppers did the same type of thing. Would anyone really like them if they had been our equals? Would they be accepted? Those three children were born into a world of dysfunction far greater than anything any resident had experienced. By opening their home to countless people in dire need, the Heppers denied their children the pleasure of knowing what a "normal" childhood was like. Their fate was sealed at an early age. Instead of having memories of proms and pep rallies, they grew up around junkies, criminals and societal outcasts. Dysfunction was the norm and their parents’ vision of helping others in need became an unfulfilled legacy with each person who felt the shame from what really went on behind closed doors, with each person who died after being rehabilitated and with all those who had unresolved feelings about their time at Kinsman Hall. The Hepper's true legacy cannot be seen in the people who “made it,” who are doing okay today and who bear minimal scars from Kinsman Hall. The Hepper's real legacy lies in the graves of each person who left Kinsman Hall less than whole and died as a result of being lost and never found again. The Hepper's real legacy lies in the heartbreak their families and friends felt at the time of their deaths and their emotions every day since.
Ultimately, we steer many things, but most importantly, we do steer our actions and we do carry the responsibility of how our actions impact other people's lives directly and indirectly. Sometimes the ripples feel more like a shockwave and the effect is long-lasting and far-reaching. For most of the survivors, Kinsman Hall was a meteor hurled into the ocean from the far reaches of space which caused a life-altering tsunami. As with any disaster, there were casualties. The wounds were both emotional and physical, yet the thing that disturbs me the most are the lives that were lost. Their words can never be heard and their stories never told. The rest live with their scars, but at least they are alive to see the scars and they can work towards reducing them to a barely visible emotional blemish.
I often wondered what it was like for Dean and Barbara’s children growing up and sharing not only their home, but their parents with such emotionally bankrupt individuals. The "chosen ones" who were befriended by the Hepper children seemed to have it made. While most residents, worked and stayed strictly within the confines of Kinsman Hall, friends of the Hepper's definitely reaped many benefits that the rest never had. I never felt inclined to attempt to strike up a friendship because I had an enormous problem with authority figures. Being friends with the owner's children would have put me too close for comfort to what I wanted to avoid the most. For the most part, I enjoyed being invisible and unworthy. I liked it that way. Besides I had a huge problem with how the Heppers flaunted their relationships in front of all the have nots. It was cruel and needless and shouldn't have been allowed.
I remember the things others would say about the people who were befriended by Carol, Dean Jr. and Faith. It was like the keys to the golden gates of freedom had been bestowed upon them. Suddenly Kinsman Hall no longer seemed like such a prison. I suppose jealousy was at the root of most of the unkind things that were said about any of these lucky individuals, but who really could blame anyone who was left behind unbefriended for feeling the whole "friendship" thing was unfair? It was just one more example of the "haves" and the "have-nots." And of what went on behind closed doors! Inequality and injustices exist everywhere... even in a place that prided itself on tearing down the walls of negativity! It took me many years to realize that the acceptance "the chosen ones" found in their relationships with Dean Jr., Carol and Faith was just a way to ease their own pain. They needed a sense of belonging and so the Heppers filled that void by welcoming them into their inner circle and into their family. The unfortunate thing was that not everyone would or could experience that inner circle. The majority of residents were just residents and nothing more.
I've always been a people watcher, so Kinsman Hall became my cornucopia. Often times the things I couldn't figure out at first, came to me a little at a time. I watched the Heppers and how they interacted with others. I took note of who were their favorites and who virtually went unnoticed. The Heppers weren't invincible and their children bore the horrible scars of dysfunction and was manifested by each person they befriended. Their friendships weren't the wholesome type that might be showcased on an episode of The Waltons, but would more likely be the topic of parody on South Park or The Simpsons.
Just like wealthy people question the motives of people wanting to be with them, I'm sure the Heppers did the same type of thing. Would anyone really like them if they had been our equals? Would they be accepted? Those three children were born into a world of dysfunction far greater than anything any resident had experienced. By opening their home to countless people in dire need, the Heppers denied their children the pleasure of knowing what a "normal" childhood was like. Their fate was sealed at an early age. Instead of having memories of proms and pep rallies, they grew up around junkies, criminals and societal outcasts. Dysfunction was the norm and their parents’ vision of helping others in need became an unfulfilled legacy with each person who felt the shame from what really went on behind closed doors, with each person who died after being rehabilitated and with all those who had unresolved feelings about their time at Kinsman Hall. The Hepper's true legacy cannot be seen in the people who “made it,” who are doing okay today and who bear minimal scars from Kinsman Hall. The Hepper's real legacy lies in the graves of each person who left Kinsman Hall less than whole and died as a result of being lost and never found again. The Hepper's real legacy lies in the heartbreak their families and friends felt at the time of their deaths and their emotions every day since.