They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. What happens when that absence isn’t in physical distance, but is a mere restriction that creates an imaginary barrier? The mind is a strong force to reckon with and it can take us in all sorts of directions. With the power of thought, the love or hatred we feel for someone can be magnified. Dwelling in thought over someone in a lustful way can keep that spark or chemistry alive when it may have died out if left alone. Bans had the potential to backfire and make the people involved covet the things that were considered unhealthy and destructive. Take something away from an addict and that addict will find a way to hold on tighter. If what has been taken away from us happens to be a person that person will become larger than life in our thoughts and our obsession will become like a wildfire out of control. Sometimes these obsessions can last a lifetime because the intervention that was intended to help actually did just the opposite. Left to our own devices most people in an unhealthy relationship eventually come to their senses and want to move on. But if that opportunity is never granted the course of things have been changed forever.
The general theory about social interaction in general and interpersonal relationships especially those with potential romantic overtones was that people needed to "spread their action" and not form exclusive friendships/relationships because exclusive friendships tended to breed negativity and dependencies. Bans were routinely placed on two people who knew each other before Kinsman Hall. Staff believed anyone who knew each other before Kinsman Hall might be more tempted to tell "war stories" (talk about negative things such as drugs) and to form "negative contracts" (conspire to break rules together and often times to carry out those plans). They also believed that a previous friendship might prevent the resident from forming new friendships. Those people who had siblings in the program might tend to form dependencies with their siblings and not learn how to properly interact with other people. As one might conclude exclusivity was highly frowned upon at Kinsman Hall, yet the ironic part about this was that we were expected to form close personal bonds and develop trust. Yet, every step of the way we were discouraged from getting too close to anyone out of fear of the implementation of a ban or worse. Everyone was more than aware that all their actions were closely scrutinized and continually analyzed by few people who was actually qualified to make any assessment about anyone else.
The bans implemented on people who knew each other before Kinsman Hall usually lasted longer than those bans placed upon people for disciplinary purposes. I suppose not allowing people who knew each other before Kinsman Hall to talk with each other at first had some logic in it. We were after all expected to form new relationships with healthy foundations and not to uphold those old negative bonds we formed on the streets with our previous friends. Past friendships might be detrimental to a new resident’s growth and one might tend to form a dependency on the past relationship or exclude others from becoming friends because of the familiarity that was already present in an old relationship that had been established at some point in the past. The smartest thing a person could have done upon entering Kinsman Hall would have been to cool it with who they initially had contact with and to have not revealed who they knew on the streets. Neither one of these things ever happened! The truth always came out! For those people coming into the program with friends or family who were already residents, the transition period was always harder. Not only did they have to get used to their strange new surroundings, but they also had to stay away from the people they knew and loved until it was deemed permissible by staff.
Ironically, I was never placed on a ban with Danita when she entered the program from Stevens School For Girls. I had known who Danita was, but never was what I would consider her friend. Nonetheless, when she entered the program at Kinsman Hall, just to be on the safe side I avoided any unnecessary contact with her. I just didn't want any trouble for either one of us. Staff never approached me about her, so I didn't really know what to expect until it was too late. I guess what happened could definitely fall under one of Murphy's Laws...always expect the unexpected to happen.
Bans were implemented sometimes if two people hang around together all the time during free time or acted too chummy with their co-workers. I used the word “sometimes” because it appeared that “sometimes” staff didn’t notice what some people did while other people’s actions were highly scrutinized. Some people became the scapegoats and the ones who always seemed to be used as an example for what the rest of us shouldn’t do. I hate to admit it, but the checks and balances Kinsman Hall had were not weighed evenly throughout the hierarchy. Sometimes the checks and balances were non-existent depending who you were or if you had friends in high places. Some residents were treated with favor while other residents were both physically and mentally abused. Most residents fell somewhere in that gray area of the middle ground and just went through the program easier than those who chose a path of the most resistance. While the gray area was never an easy place to be because there were no easy places at Kinsman Hall, it was a far better place to be than to be in the position of bearing the brunt of everything. The ones existing on the fringes either had it good or had it bad, but both places came with a heavy price. On one extreme, some had privileges that many of us never had and on the other extreme, the chosen ones who never did anything right existed in a private hell so horrible that it still touches their lives today.
Physical contact was one of the big no-no's at Kinsman Hall and any romantic relationship had to be approved by staff. It may seem absurd that people were told who they could or could not like or love, but at times, couples were thrown together because some staff members took a very serious interest in becoming great matchmakers and claimed they knew us better than we knew ourselves. Nothing was sacred not even matters of the heart. On blind faith, some people entered into relationships in which staff had played Cupid. The relationship was preordained and blessed as having all the qualities to last a lifetime.
Whenever a romantic relationship formed, the two people involved were expected to follow designated guidelines in order to have a “recognized relationship.” Keep in mind that relationships were always accepted and recognized amongst residents without question, but until staff gave the union a wink and a nod the relationship did not exist officially. Many relationships were brief as if they were just some small bleep on the radar lasting just long enough to give each other the once over before moving onto the next person. When you're young, have raging hormones and you have a limited amount of potential love interests perhaps trying as many on for size was the healthy thing to do before settling into a committed relationship with the one who you wanted more than all the rest. Imagine being with the same people day after day and not being curious about them. How could you not wonder what their lips felt like or how the touch of their skin felt against yours. Yes, touching was supposed to be off limits, but thinking about it wasn't. I often wondered how many relationships started as a "you're a boy and I'm a girl and here we are at the same time" type of thing. I also wondered how many of the relationships would have happened if the two people had met each other while they were on the streets.
Same sex relationships at Kinsman Hall weren't covered in its philosophy or rules nor can I remember it ever being an out in the open issue. What happened behind closed doors stayed there. Sure, there were people who were gay and bisexual, but I don’t remember anyone who was openly homosexual or bisexual during my time at Kinsman Hall. That can of worms seemed to be kept tightly sealed. Like I said, things happened at night in the dorms behind closed doors and in remote spots on the property and of course there was plenty of talk and whispers, but who knows what really went on and who kissed who and who did more than just kiss, unless you were one of the people doing the kissing? Generally, yes, where there is smoke there is fire, but all I can say with absolute certainty is that I never witnessed any outright acts of homosexuality while I was at Kinsman Hall nor did I participate in any. I'm sure not all the smokin' hot bitches can say that same statement nor can the poor pussy-starved males.
The window of opportunity to have any type of secret physical contact whether it was homosexual or heterosexual in nature was so limited that even when physical contact did happen it happened as brief “wham bam thank you ma’am” encounters leaving the two people wanting more. The more frequent anyone engaged in physical contact, they increased the likelihood of being caught. Yet, the need for physical contact always outweighed the risk of getting caught when the opportunity presented itself. What did they expect from a bunch of amoral druggies who were getting reacquainted with their hormones and feelings? For those who dared to taste that forbidden fruit the consequences of their actions never seemed to be much of a deterrent. If caught in the act or given up later as “guilt,” the payback for physical contact was always severe. A male and female spending too much time together might have a ban imposed upon them if they started "building bridges" (initiate an unapproved relationship with each) as a way to stop anything from going any further. Staff always attempted to nip potential relationships in the bud before they reached the point of any temptation forming, but usually that temptation had already been tasted long before staff intervened.
Approval to have a relationship was given when two people met certain criteria and had gone through a series of steps. This approval was never given to younger residents. Younger residents just had to be more creative in hiding certain things from staff and if staff didn’t think the relationship would ever be a wholesome, healthy one they would do everything in their power to keep the relationship from growing. At times, the Cupids on staff highly encouraged two people to get together, but rarely did those relationships go anywhere because they were relationships that never bloomed on their own. It was like being fixed up on a blind date by your friends and them expecting you to have your children's names selected after the first date.
When people go through long periods of being deprived of physical contact and affection, I think it’s easy to manipulate any situation to get two people together. Once the wheels are set in motion and staff is behind the steering wheel anything became possible. Cupid’s arrow hit a few unlikely match-ups, but the one that stands out most in my mind is the union between Jill and Kevin that ended the budding relationship between Jill and Bernie. The beginning of a relationship between Pat and John until it was decided Pat would be more suitable for Dean Jr. comes to mind when I think of how staff intervened in matters of the heart. That relationship never happened because Dean Jr. had a mind of his own and ended up with another Pat, not the one who had been selected for him, but that relationship didn't happen until after he took Cheryl for a test drive first who ended up with Mark, who was brother of Paul, the Residential Director. It sure is a small, twisted web we weave!
And then there was Faith... I think she was the envy of every female in the house. Of course, the Heppers girls could have had their pick of whomever they had wanted and I hate to say it, but at Faith's sweet, tender young age she was a bit on the fickle side when it came to the opposite sex. From a resident's perspective, it looked as if she had little to no guidance in matters of the heart and was let run amok amongst our motley tribe of drug addicts and misfits to have her way with anyone of her choosing. Nothing seemed sacred or off limits to Faith. I can't blame her really. I'm sure if most of us were in her place we would have done similar things. The sad part about it was it appeared like she had no qualms about stepping on anyone's toes or hurting anyone's feelings in the process. I saw the tears and the heartbreak she caused along the way and I often wondered if she ever said she was sorry or regretted any of her actions.
Yes, Faith was young, but Faith was all about Faith and if Faith wanted it, Faith got it with no questions asked. After all she was Dean Hepper's youngest daughter and the rules didn't apply to her. I can't really blame her for how she acted. But I do blame her parents. Yes, the Hepper children had friends at Kinsman Hall. And then there were the rest of us. We were just there to observe the show and to take notes. Did the Heppers really think that we didn't notice how things went down and how people were treated? Did they think we didn't have any feelings about how unfair it was to the rest of us?
I often wondered what kind of life it must have been for the Hepper children growing up amongst such a dysfunctional group of people. Perhaps I saw a bit of myself in Faith. After all I had transformed into being terribly fickle at times and seemed to bounce from relationship to relationship. I found it to be stimulating and fun. I grew bored easily. I had less than stellar morals and my track record with the opposite sex was scathingly harsh for someone my age. I was just sixteen so it was easy to recognize similar behavior in others. Maybe Faith's motive was different than mine for the same type of behavior, but the behavior was definitely the same and I could spot it from a mile away and so could most every other person in that house.
Elizabeth and John had their own thing going when Faith dangled the proverbial carrot in front of John's nose. Of course, I don't know what actually transpired because I wasn't there to witness it. Maybe I should place some of the responsibility on John for what happened because sex or the thought of sex is a powerful motivator when it's being offered. We all know not many young guys are going to turn it down even when they have feelings for someone else. I hate to say it, but guys can be like dogs at times. Yes, girls can be that way, too!
When all the perks that went along with being with Faith were offered as an incentive who was going to turn Faith down? No one or not anyone I can name! Even if any of the guys didn't really like her, they saw Faith as a golden opportunity. I know that sounds horrible because it is horrible. It's the same type of thing that happens to rich people or famous people. People hang with them only because they're rich or famous and not because of the type of person they are inside. They use people and people use them. It was kind of a win-win situation for everyone. Everyone, but Elizabeth, that is! Elizabeth was lucky to have dodged the bullet and had not gotten more deeply involved with John, but I know at the time it broke her heart and she never understood why Faith did that to her. Perhaps, Faith doesn't understand it herself! After that, Faith was placed on Elizabeth's DO NOT TRUST list and remained there until Elizabeth left Kinsman Hall. Before that, I used to chuckle as I watched Faith toy with guys, but after that I had absolutely no respect for Faith and had little for John. The hard part was that I considered John my friend. To their credit, later John and Faith went on to get married and had a child together.
Anne recounts her story of entering Kinsman Hall with high expectations of continuing her relationship with Guy only to find out that the Kinsman Hall way doesn't adhere to Cupid's tender ways. Kinsman Hall has their own way of doing things and nothing is easy, natural or tender about their way of doing anything. Anne's story starts by confessing, "I didn't come in with a drug problem. This was 1973. My parents had split up, I was trying to find my way, in love with a boy who'd been sent to the Hall through the courts for pot possesion I think. He went first to Hillsdale, we were from Hudson NY, I saw him when I could. I didn't drive. I was 15 then. He came home once he went through the program and came back for me and off I went. My father even dropped us off to hitchike to Jackman at the Mass Pike entrance in Hillsdale! My parents were so trusting in me that they thought this was okay. I had my issues for sure, I was pretty wild, loved to party, hated school, I wanted to be with Guy, so off I went. What a surprise when we got to Maine after a long, long day hitchiking. The first part of the journey started with me getting my thumb caught in the door of the rig. We were picked up by a semi tractor trailer. Not a broken thumb but it was incredibly painful made worse by the bouncing cab ride. I don't remember how far he took us or how we actually made it the rest of the way, I do remember the nightime darkness enclosing in on us as we drove down the the long, long road to the Hall. Holy shit I was 16, free, about to go start living with Guy. Together at last!! Away from my self-absorbed parents. We got in very late. I was brought up to the girls dorm, given a bed. I was told in the morning, that I was on a BAN with Guy, had to wear a stocking cap and go sit on a chair."
Welcome to Kinsman Hall, Ann!