I'm a strong person...I can survive anything life throws my way. I guess my philosophy has always been "what doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger" without even knowing that's what my philosophy was. I never connected the dots so I could put a name or label on how I lived and the things I did. Even at a young age, I had the ability to land on my feet most of the time.
I can think of only a very few things during my life that have made me struggle to regain my footing. Yes, drugs was one of them! When a person stops any addiction, they become vulnerable to many things. As with most addicts, trust is an issue that is rebuilt over a long period of time. Addicts learn how to walk again by taking baby steps at first and with hard work they eventually learn how to walk. Not only do they have to regain the trust of others, but they also have to learn how and when to trust those people closest to us and most importantly, they have to learn how to trust themselves. Addicts have spent a great deal of time being isolated from real intimacy with other people. The relationships they have had with people are totally orchestrated by their own comfort zone and ruled by their addiction.What others see is just an illusion and the only people who know what really lies beneath are people who have either been there themselves or are the people who knew the person before the addiction. In my case, those grassroots people will always remain as people I can and will trust unconditionally because they truly do know my heart and love me in spite of my flaws and imperfections.
Kinsman Hall was geared towards totally breaking a person down and presumably rebuilding a new and improved model. A scene from the beginning of each Six Million Dollar Man television show comes to mind.
"Steve Austin, astronaut. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic man. Steve Austin will be that man. Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster."
During my rebuilding stage, I started to make friends and trust people again. The people in my peer group at Kinsman Hall shared all their dirty little secrets with each other so they were the people who I considered to be in my inner circle and worthy of my trust. Most of the stories we told about our past weren’t pretty, but in the unveiling process a bond was formed and friendships were made that have passed the test of time and distance. Initially, this bond is very fragile because sharing for most of us is a foreign concept and allowing people inside is a scary thing.
I was just barely 16 years old when I was probated to Kinsman Hall indefinitely. That meant I had to finish their program or go back to "reform school" in Hallowell until I turned eighteen if I chose to leave Kinsman Hall, but only after sitting on the chair first! When I had been at Kinsman Hall for several months, another "what the hell do we do with this one" was sent to Kinsman Hall from Stevens School for Girls. When I was told "someone I previously knew" at Stevens was going to come to Kinsman Hall I secretly hoped it was Sharon. I assumed they had been receiving progress reports about their guinea pig and based on those reports they felt others could be sent to Kinsman Hall for help as well.
My success at Kinsman Hall actually could be measured in dollars and cents on Kinsman Hall financial statement, so in reality keeping me there and having me excel in the program was a must. At the time, I never viewed myself as being valuable because I was never given any special treatment like some others received. I was always considered at high risk for splitting based on my previous history. After all, as far as Stevens School was concerned I was Harry Houdini reincarnated. I was never granted any home visits and had little to no contact with anyone from the outside nor was I ever given a position of resposibility. At the time, I never put two and two together and that was probably a good thing because if I had ever suspected that I was nothing more than another pawn I would have done everything I could to set myself up for failure just to make the program look bad.
When I was told about the new arrival, I responded by indicating I remembered Danita, but she was no more than just an acquaintance to me. During the brief time we knew each other at Stevens, we never became what I would call “friends”. Danita always acted very shy and withdrawn. She never asserted herself and rarely was the center of attention. When she arrived at Kinsman Hall, we weren’t put on a ban with each other which I immediately found odd since it went against their policy. Instead of becoming friends with her, I felt extremely uncomfortable around her. Having her there was just another reminder of what path my life had taken and I found myself avoiding her any chance I could. It wasn’t her that I wanted to avoid. It was my past that I was still running from and she was a direct link to one very unpleasant aspect of my past. Plus she reminded me of Sharon and that I wasn't certain of what had become of her. The uncertainty weighed heavily on me.
I was surprised that they hadn't placed us on a ban when she came into the program, but I think they wanted to see how we interacted with each other first and having no ban was one of the prearranged conditions of her admission into Kinsman Hall. Having Danita there almost made me paranoid. I know my feelings were irrational, but I kept them hidden and no one ever tried to discuss how I felt about having her at Kinsman Hall. No one ever said a word to me about her other than to let me know she was coming to Kinsman Hall. That in itself is strange because people were constantly being confronted about everything and I never could figure out why such a major thing escaped confrontation. Just when I thought I was beginning to figure things out, they changed things and that confused me.
When people break one of the Cardinal Rules (no getting high, no treason (conspiring to do damage to Kinsman Hall or to hurt a staff member or resident), no physical contact and no splitting), they would get what's called a General Meeting (GM) as part of their punishment. A GM consists of the whole house gathering in the dining room and the rule breaker is told to stand on center stage in front of the whole house. A GM is actually the ultimate confrontation. The house then very loudly screams at the person standing before them about their bad behavior. Of course, the person standing there can't understand anything anyone is saying. They just see angry faces and hear what sounds like a lynch mob coming to burn down Frankenstein's castle. After the person gets a GM, as a punishment they are put on an 18 or 20 hour indefinite work contract in which they work on a special crew run by Atilla the Hun, who is talented in the art of blow-aways.
The purpose of this is to give the guilty party as much stress as possible so they won't ever break a cardinal rule again. During the period of time the person is on contract, sleeping on a mattress is not allowed. The person is placed on a ban with the rest of the house with the exception of the person running the contract crew. If anyone else is on the contract crew, the crew members cannot talk socially with each other. In fact, no one has much time to do anything besides "LINE UP" and say thank you and do the dirtiest of all the dirty jobs until they are deemed ready to come back into the house and resume a normal routine. One other thing that happens as a result of getting a GM is that any guilty males get an immediate shaved head and females receive the equivalent of a shaved head by having to wear a "stocking cap" while on contract.
A stocking cap is made by tying the legs of panty hose tightly together near the crotch and then it's turned inside out. This forms a skin toned cap. All a female's hair is tucked up under this cap which is supposed to create the illusion of a shaved head. There were times when skin-toned panty hose were not available and we had to use colored tights. Colored "skin" always seemed a little more fashionable to wear, but the biggest advantage of being a girl was that when the contract ended, the stocking cap was removed and our flowing locks could once again dangle. A guy was stuck with the shaved head and had to start growing his hair again until next time he did something bad enough to warrant a shaved head. For some, there was always a next time! Some guys went through most of the program with no hair!
A few months after Danita had come to Kinsman Hall, one afternoon a runner delivering messages from various staff members gave me a message that a staff member wanted to talk to me in the dining room. I had been doing a job away from my normal crew that day and had been unable to see or talk to anyone, so the break was a welcome one. I never liked working alone, but I didn’t have any say in what jobs were chosen for me to do. Like everyone else, I just did what I was told to do without questioning it. When I entered the dining room there stood the whole house (how did they get there without me noticing it?). As I slowly walked out on the stage, Carol Hepper asked me if I knew why I was there. I was dumbfounded! I simply looked around at all the people and answered "no." I really was stunned and clueless. I was told to walk to the center of the stage and face everyone. I hadn't broken any cardinal rule, so this whole scenario seemed like a cruel joke or a nightmare from which I couldn't awaken myself. What was going on?
I was sent to Carol, Dean Hepper’s oldest daughter who was directly over all the females to discuss my issues over what had happened. I was told Danita had gone to staff because she was terribly upset by how I was treating her. Allegedly, she told them that I was treating her cruelly. I wasn’t given any specifics of what I had done, but I can only assume from the severity of the punishment that I received, my GM was not as a result of my avoidance of Danita. I felt strongly it was as a result of a fabricated tale in which I felt framed. Upon learning what I had supposedly done, I knew staff couldn't have investigated the story at all because if they had they would have found out I was cordial to Danita and had never done anything outwardly mean to her. My avoidance was definitely not right, but it didn't warrant a punishment, especially not one as severe as a GM. I should have been confronted in some other manner like during a therapy session or even during a hostility session about my actions. But no one had ever said anything to me about Danita until they blew me off the stage with the magnitude of fucking tsunami.
I think if someone had said that Danita was miserable and needed a friend, I would have made myself make more of an effort to overcome my bad feelings about Stevens. Avoidance is so easy and such a safe place especially when dealing with addictions. Avoidance is the key to the grand illusion of having every little thing in a magnificent status quo. It's like a house made of playing cards...flimsy and ready to tumble at any second. My house of cards came tumbling down that day and I never looked at things quite the same after that and I lost my respect for staff that day and never got it back.
I always secretly questioned staff’s judgment in what they had done to me. Their false accusations and speculations concerning my behavior made me view them in a very different light. As a result of my GM, what little trust I had formed with staff ceased to exist. I never let my guard down again after that. I knew there was something terribly wrong in a system that so easily passed out harsh punishments without any investigation. How could I trust or have faith in a system like that?
Several months after Danita arrived at Kinsman Hall and shortly after my GM, she decided she wanted to leave. She wasn't made to sit on the chair before leaving to "think about it" like everyone else was required to do. She was there one day and the next she was gone. I never asked for any details surrounding her departure because I didn't want to rock the boat. As far as I was concerned, that boat had been rocked enough already. Although I was angry for a long time, I never mentioned Danita or my GM to anyone after that. I just finished my contract and went about my business.
After she left, no one else was sent to Kinsman Hall from Stevens. Some days I felt guilty about that and others I just felt relieved. I felt sorry that I was never able to make Danita's time at Kinsman Hall easier or be the friend she obviously wanted or needed me to be. I was sorry she left feeling as she did and that she felt she had to lie about me in order to get my attention or the attention of others. Perhaps, someday she'd forgive me for not being strong enough to rise above all my bad feelings towards Stevens and welcome her with open arms.
It wasn't until much later that I found out that Danita had attempted to do the same type of thing to Bernie by giving up guilt about him that never happened. Unlike with me, staff chose to see the truth and believe Bernie. It was probably one of the few times Bernie didn't get into trouble while he was there.
This on-the-spot GM had a slightly different twist. Instead of using the GM as a means of discipline, in this case it came with a therapeutic nightcap with Jack Palmer. Judd Weiner recounts," I was involved in a situation that was not similar but it rhymed. Over the days before I did my first mini-marathon as a member of Baker's Dozen, we were all put on 20-hour contract for about 10 days to wear down our defenses before heading up to the attic. Monte was in that group, as well as Barry Cooperman, Barry Sklar, Kathy Pryor, Gail Apple, Tom Consavage, Don McCalister, Kathy Meenan, Bob Gottliep, Dan Martaus, Sharon Urvalek and Pete Rosen. Monte in fact had always been like a big brother to me, giving me advice along the way, trying to keep me out of trouble."
"God, that contract was draining! One night very close to the end, we were summoned to the kitchen for another group blow away. God, my ears were ringing by this time as my tattered brain sought refuge in a skull that felt like chewing gum. Nevertheless, as we stood there- 2 in the morning, kitchen floor GI toothbrushes in hand, what was said by the staff member over us- I think it was Mike Buergers- shook my world."
"Mike told us that Monte had been coming out sick on ME!... and that we would do a GM right here and now!! Jesus Christ!! What the hell was he talking about? I was terrified! But had no courage available to speak up on behalf of Monte. I felt great guilt that I had somehow been the cause of what Monte was about to endure. I was paralyzed in fear. It’s a wonder I didn’t pee all over our freshly scoured floor. I was responsible! Somehow without my knowledge I had brought this force down on my friend. But people did yell. I imagine I probably did too but I just wanted to shrink away and grow an incognito moustache or something."
"Then as the noise died down, and the screams turned into exhausted murmurs, Monte standing in front of us thoroughly bewildered, all of us standing there gaunt, spent.......... a vision of angelic divinity entered from behind, standing there watching. It was like Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and the Lord almighty all rolled into one. Slowly, one by one we each turned around to look. There were gasps from among us. What we saw we knew could only mean one thing. It was Jack telling us to grab our pillows and blankets and get the hell upstairs."